Yours Fun Portal !
While waiting for a bus, the blind man’s dog decided to go to the bathroom all
over the blind man’s legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, “What! That dog just went to the
bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him? Are you crazy?”
To which the blind man replied, “Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for
his bottom, so I can kick him.”
Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that you’ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife
Now that Miss Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did I don’t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have but I don’t recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me Mr. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my mama taught me
I tried to hide but now you’ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never ever did inhale.
Why did the old lady walk around with her purse open?
Because she heard there was going to be change in the weather!!!!!!!
Editted by Curtis
Monica has been receiving a lot of kidding about her weight. She
considered to have her love handles removed, but decided against it as she
might lose her hearing if they cut off her ears.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You put on
your spring boots and walk around playing Mr. Busy. You put on your best smile
and walk around being Mr. Congenial. You fresh the entire Thesaurus links in
your memory and play Mr. Polished. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth,
you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around
you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, “Hi, I
am great in bed, how about it?�
– That’s Hard Selling.
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best
friend. They … for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there,
the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her
lover looksover at her and listens, only hearing her side of the
conversation…
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)”Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you
called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time
he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A blonde and her friend were walking together and the
blondes
friend says, “Look a dead bird”! So the blonde looks up.
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it.
“I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk`s bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me,” replied the little friend.
Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea goes home and waits until he hears the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then runs into his folk`s bedroom.
“What do YOU want?!” asks the father gruffly.
“I want a watch!” says Johnny.
“Well then, sit down and shut up!” Dad replies.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
16) During Sunday sermon, they hold a palm up to the pastor and say, “Talk to the hand!”
15) Every night at the dinner table, it’s the same routine: “Eat your vegetables!” ….and the chairs go flying.
14) You’ve had to replace the babysitter with three burly stagehands.
13) Dinner topic: “Teenage boys who hide ‘Playboy’ under their mattresses.”
12) Junior’s new mastery of the headlock has made him the star of his high school debate team.
11) Have evolved from playing “Doctor” to “Plastic Surgeon specializing in Male Enlargement.”
10) They want to know why they only live in a house instead of a double-wide trailer.
9) At the dinner table, little Billy announces a surprise guest: your secretary/mistress.
8) Your Elvis shrine ain’t been Endusted in two weeks.
7) Her tendency to hop up on tables, tear her shirt open and dance suggestively has gotten you banned from more than one Chuck E. Cheese.
6) Your youngest has stopped calling you “Mommy” in favor of “Crack-ho.”
5) Math: C-
History: D+
English: F
Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: A+
4) Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair over your head.
3) Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for Cabbage Patch Kids.
2) During that “little talk” with Junior, you’re forced to admit that you don’t know if hermaphrodites are “birds” or “bees.”
1) Poor Ken just found out he hasn’t been dating Barbie, but GI Joe in drag.
One day a blonde and brunette walk to a high mountain cliff.After a while the burnette says “How about we start heading down it’s almost dark?” The blonde tells her to get a head start because she wants to enjoy the scenery a bit more. After the brunette leaves the blonde gets an idea. She jumps off the cliff. Then she starts to fall. She screams “I thought my maxis had wings!”