Yours Fun Portal !
Estaba un viejito ba�andose en una ba�era, cuando de repente empieza a dar gritos como loco llamando a la viejita:
“Vieja, vieja, vieja, ven pa que veas esto, mira f�jate como va para ariba, ay qu� sabroso, se siente un fri�to divino, ay siento que me revive ay, ay…”
La viejita, que era un poco odiosa, le responde:
“No, viejo, eso no va para arriba, ese bicho lo que est� es flotando.”
Why was the washing machine laughing?
It was taking the piss out of the knickers.
“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION”:
You’ll be making under $6 an hour.
– – – – –
“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY”:
You’re paid under $6 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
– – – – –
“AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY”:
There’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.
– – – – –
“PROFIT-SHARING PLAN”:
Once it’s shared among the brass, you get what’s left.
– – – – –
“COMPETITIVE SALARY:”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
– – – – –
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:”
We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.
– – – – –
“NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:”
Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.
– – – – –
“IMMEDIATE OPENING:”
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago.
We’re just now running the ad.
– – – – –
“SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:”
We’re can’t supply you with leads; (and/or)
there’s no base salary to speak of; (and/or)
you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
– – – – –
“SELF-MOTIVATED:”
Don’t expect Management to answer questions
– – – – –
“WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:”
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.”Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
16> Herpes the Love Bug Rises Again
15> Pocket Monsters, Inc.
14> In Search of the Castaways’ Remains
13> The Inedible-Due-to-Harbor-Pollution Mister Limpet
12> Babes in Neverland
11> Kilo and Snitch
10> The Skanky Dog
9> Bedknobs and Handcuffs
8> Pocahotass
7> Lady and the Cramps
6> Brother, Bare
5> 101 Inflammations
4> DumbHo
3> The Lizzie McGuire/Paris Hilton Movie
2> That Darn Clap
1> Darby O’Gill and the Village People
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
A man is caught trying to rob a bank and sent to court. His
lawyer comes up with a novel strategy.
The lawyer explains, “Your honor, this man’s whole body was not
involved in the crime. It was only his arm that did this act.
Therefore, his whole body should not be punished.”
The judge responds, “By your logic, I sentence your arm to
twenty years in jail. You may accompany it if you wish.” The
defendant then smiles, sets his artificial limb on the table, and
walks off.
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.
“Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.
“It’s designed to adjust the tot to live in today’s world, madam,” the shop assistant replied….
“Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”
14> The Eagles — “Pantsful, Queasy Feeling”
13> Van Halen — “Limp!”
12> Aretha Franklin — “D-E-P-E-N-D-S”
11> Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young — “Suite: Betty Ford Clinic”
10> The Rolling Stones — “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfactory Erection”
9> The Who — “(Talkin’ ‘Bout) My Operation”
8> Rod Stewart — “Tonight’s The Night (If The Viagra’s Alright)”
7> Led Zeppelin — “Chairlift To Heaven”
6> Three Dog Night — “Jeremiah was a Bud Frog…”
5> James Brown — “Papa’s Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag”
4> Elton John — “Saturday Night’s All Right For Bingo”
3> Edwin Starr — “Limited Engagement With No Clear Exit Strategy! What Is It Good For?!”
2> Yes — “Owner of a Bypassed Heart”
1> Men at Work — “Why Can’t I Pee Now?”
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Why did the old lady walk around with her purse open?
Because she heard there was going to be change in the weather!!!!!!!
Editted by Curtis
Monica has been receiving a lot of kidding about her weight. She
considered to have her love handles removed, but decided against it as she
might lose her hearing if they cut off her ears.
This guy gets these chronic migraine headaches. One day he sees a doctor about his problem.
The doctor gives him a thorough examination and says, “I can cure your headaches, but I’ll have to cut your balls off to do it.”
At first the man is horrified at this idea, but the headaches keep getting worse and worse. He can’t work or sleep, his sex life is nonexistent, and he’s generally miserable. Finally, he goes back to the doctor and says, “I don’t care anymore, cut them off. Just get rid of these damned headaches!
The doctor performs the operation, and immediately the headaches go away.
The guy is relatively happy, now. He may not have a sex life, but he figures this is price he has to pay for a life without pain. One day, he decides to get himself a new wardrobe. He goes to this nice new men’s shop downtown.
As soon as he walks in the door, the clerk looks carefully at him and says, “You wear a 44 long jacket, don’t you?” The guy says, “Yeah, how did you know?”
“It’s in the eye,” says the clerk. “Your neck is seventeen and one quarter inches, but given your build, medium shirt sleeves should work.”
“That is incredible!” the guy says. “Hmm… and you wear a 36 large jockstrap.”
“Ah hah! You’re wrong,” the guy says gleefully. “I wear a 32 small jockstrap.”
“No, you have to wear a 36 large,” says the clerk.
“Look, I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. I wear a 32 small.”
That’s impossible,” says the confused clerk. “A 32 small jockstrap would pinch your balls and give you migraine headaches.”