A lifetime of sex

1.) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

2.) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “F*ck you!”

5.) The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Unit Conversions

For those trying to figure out how to convert Standard to Metric, here are a few more conversions to consider:*Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi. *2,000 pounds of Chinese soup:Won ton. *Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach turtle. *16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling *Half of a large intestine:semicolon. *1 million aches: 1 megahurtz. *Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: a bananosecond. *2 wharves: 1 paradox. *2,000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds. *Basic unit of laryngitis:1 hoarsepower

The genie

There was this guy he walked into a bar. He told the bartender he wanted a beer. Well he noticed that the bartender had quite a body on him. He says to him”Im not trying to sound gay but you have a muscalar body but such a little head why is that?”
The bartender had been asked this question before he says to me “one day” he begins. I was walking through the woods and I got lost and then from beyond a tree I heard a voice and it was saying” help me” I looked around and couldnt find anyone then I heard it again “help me” well I looked down a seen a frog The frog asked me to kiss her and she said”I will turn into a beutiful genie” I looked around and seen nobody was around so I kissed her and there she stand naked and beutiful she told me that I had three wishes She asked me what my first one would be. I said I want to have a body like arnald swarnegger so she muttered a spell and poof I stand there body build and everything I took my clothes off and she says to me your second wish I said I want to make love to you by the lake here and she said poof your wish is granted they lay there for hours making love and then after we are done she said to me you know you still have one more wish. I said “How about a little head”

The Mall

There were four blondes going to the mall and
they didn’t know what store they wanted to go to.So they went to look at the map.When they got there the map said “You are here”” and one of the girls said “”How do they know we are here!””

The Top 16 Unreleased Disney Movies

16> Herpes the Love Bug Rises Again

15> Pocket Monsters, Inc.

14> In Search of the Castaways’ Remains

13> The Inedible-Due-to-Harbor-Pollution Mister Limpet

12> Babes in Neverland

11> Kilo and Snitch

10> The Skanky Dog

9> Bedknobs and Handcuffs

8> Pocahotass

7> Lady and the Cramps

6> Brother, Bare

5> 101 Inflammations

4> DumbHo

3> The Lizzie McGuire/Paris Hilton Movie

2> That Darn Clap

1> Darby O’Gill and the Village People

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

The Medecrin

There once was a medieval village named Trinsic. This village was being terrorized by a vile monster, the Medicrin. Each night, the Medicrin would stalk down from the hills, and devour one of the villagers. The terrified villagers called a meeting, and decided to pool their money together to hire the great hero Erik.

Erik came and listened to the complaints of the villagers. He consulted his Great Hero’s Book of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins love to eat Loons. So Erik hunted high and low to find a loon. He found one, captured it, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then had the villagers dig a deep pit. Erik threw the loon into the pit, hoping to capture the Medicrin,and slay it.

That night, the Medicrin came… It smelled the loon… But it also smelled DANGER, and it ran off, devouring one of the villagers on the way out.

After calming the villagers, the next day, Erik again consulted his Great Hero’s Book of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins also love sugar. So Erik gathered up all of the sugar in the village, and threw it into the pit.

The loon, not having eaten in days, devoured all of the sugar in a single gulp. Erik was struck with panic, and ran to and fro trying to figure out what to do next, but night had fallen, and the Medicrin would bethere soon, so Erik crossed his fingers, and hoped for the best. That night, the Medicrin came… It smelled the loon… It smelled danger… But it also smelled the sugar, and the Medicrin dived into the pit, and devoured the loon.

The villagers swarmed over the Medicrin, and slew it. The moral of the story: “A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down.”

My salary

A guy knocks to his neighbor’s door. neighbor’s wife opens and says the
husband is not at home. the guy then offers her 200 roubles for a f***. she
thinks a little while and agrees. they do it, the guy goes home. in the evening
her husband returns home and asks:
– hi hon, did our neighbor vasya bring you my salary?

Abcs

a kid raises his hand to go to the bathroom the teacher says recite the ABCs before going to the bathroom so he says a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z the teacher then asks wheres the p so the boy replies in my pants

Social Security

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.”Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

An Issaquah, Washington man apparently became…

An Issaquah, Washington man apparently became frustrated with his personal
computer, pulled out a gun and shot it. The computer, located in the man’s
home office, had four bullets holes in its hard drive and one in the
monitor. Police evacuated the man’s townhouse complex, contacted the irate
PC owner by phone, and persuaded him to come out. “We don’t know if it
wouldn’t boot up or what,” says one of the police officers at the scene.

St. Petersburg Times – July 20, 1997