Knock KnockWho’s there?Farley!Farley who?Farley the leader!
Author: admin
New ears
With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area.
She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts.
Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!
Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 “get well soon” cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. “No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down”,she says.
“Ah” says the doc,”this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery.”
“How nice “, says Liz.”Thank you – what a nice thought.”
“The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations – she is to be trusted.”
“What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I’m really touched”, says Liz. “But who is the 3rd card from?” asks Liz.
“Oh”, says the doctor, “that’s from Evander Holyfield — thanking you for his new ears!!!”
Weather bureau
Wife: Who was that on the phone?Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.Wife: What did he say?Husband: He asked if the coast was clear…
Growing Old
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?…. “I’m four and a half” …. You’re never 36 and a half …. you’re four and a half going on five!
That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens …. you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony …. you BECOME 21 … YES!!!
But then you turn 30 …. ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk …. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now.
What’s wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40 ….. stay over there, it’s all slipping away ……..
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ….. and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60 ….. you didn’t think you’d make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 …… then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it’s a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday …. You get into your 80’s, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won’t even buy green bananas …. it’s an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.
And it doesn’t end there …. into the 90’s you start going backwards …. I was JUST 92 …
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again …. “I’m 100 and a half!!!!”
Some quick thinking!
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks.
“Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.”
“Okay.” the man replies “I’ll go get ready.”
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
“Who the hell are you?!” the man asks.
“I’m from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”
The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!”
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says…
“Those little bastards!”
10 Ways To Get Fired
Whenever answering the phone, and it’s for your boss, say, “He’s
under his desk screwing his secretary. Can I take a message?”
Strip off all your clothes. Complain about how hot it is in the
office, regardless of the temperature.
When your boss is on the phone scream, “Damn it! I’m expecting a
call!! Stay off the phone!!”
If your boss bumps into you, start screaming sexual harassment.
Talk in great lengths about the state laws on harassment. Get
the authorities involved. Threaten to sue.
Sleep with your boss’s daughter. Videotape it. Pass out copies
around the office. Brag about how easy she was.
Steal various office equipment (pencils, staplers, desks). Frame
your boss for it.
When asked to do something start laughing hysterically. Continue
this for five minutes. Calm down and say, “Oh, you were being
serious?”
Loosen the bolts on the boss’s chair. Laugh loudly when he/she
falls down. Play innocent.
Whenever the boss starts to tell you a story, interrupt him/her
with a story of your own. Make sure the story is boring and has
no point whatsoever.
Send a dozen roses to your boss’s house when their spouse is
home. Sign an ex-flames name on the card. Next day, ask him/her
how their evening was. Be obvious.
Left it at the pub
A man’s been drinking at the pub all night. The barman finally says that the bar is closing, so the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face again.He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, `So you’ve been out drinking again!”What makes you say that?’ he asks, putting on an innocent lookHis wife said, ‘The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.’
Freedom of Speech
A tourist from the United States of America is at a restaurant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says, “Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell ‘President Bush is a bastard!’ and nothing would be done to me.”The Cuban waiter replies, “We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would be done to me either!”
Stuttering Problem
One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor.
“D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?”
“Hop on to the table, and I’ll give you an exam.”
After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was.
“It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected.”
“I d-d-d-don’t c-c-c-care. I’ll d-d-d-do anyt-t-thing it t-t-takes.”
So the man went in for surgery, and it was sucessful. He came back into the doctor’s office a couple of weeks later.
“Doctor, I don’t stutter anymore, but my girlfriend’s really mad at me. Do you think that there’s any way to get it reattached?”
“I d-d-d-don’t t-t-t-think s-s-s-so”
Facts of Life!
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent, they think they’re listening.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Santa and the thoughtful 20 year old
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised
when a young lady about twenty years old walked
up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her,
“What do you want for Christmas?”
“Something for my mother, please.” said the young lady.
“Something for your mother? Well, that’s very
thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa.
“What do you want me to bring her?”
Without blinking she replied, “A son-in-law!”
Tres exploradores se internaron en
Tres exploradores se internaron en lo m�s profundo de la selva. Al tercer d�a fueron capturados por una tribu, que acostumbraba fabricar canoas con la piel de sus v�ctimas.
El jefe de la tribu les dice a los prisioneros que pueden pedir un �ltimo deseo. El primero, buscando ganar el mayor tiempo posible, le dice que quiere enviar un email a su esposa. El jefe sonr�e y lo invita a su choza y le muestra una computadora �ltimo modelo. Veinte minutos m�s tarde la piel del prisionero est� sec�ndose al sol en espera de ser convertida en una canoa.
El segundo se exprime el cerebro y dice que le gustar�a tocar la luna antes de morir. El jefe manda a dos personas al museo m�s cercano. Dos d�as despu�s regresan en sus canoas con un pedazo de roca de la luna. Media hora m�s tarde la piel del pobre prisionero es tendida cuidadosamente en espera de convertirse en una canoa.
El tercer prisionero pide un tenedor. El jefe se muestra extra�ado, pero accede a su �ltima voluntad. Entonces el prisionero grita: “Miren lo que hago con su puta canoa.” Y comienza a clavarse el tenedor por todo el cuerpo.