Proverbial humor

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You… Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than… Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The… Bug Is Close.

It’s Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of… Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don’t Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.

No News Is… Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.

You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New… Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You’ll… Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.

Where There’s Smoke, There’s… Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.

Two’s Company, Three’s… The Musketeers.

Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And… You Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As… Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don’t Succeed… Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Eddie.

You Women Have it so Easy

This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds…… What a waste of effort, were only going to sleep in them again tonight. forget that

Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard……. It snowed last night, I don’t see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ?

Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners……. Duhh I’m on vacation I don’t need them.

Scratch three.

This is easy, whats the fuss. Think I’ll go on AOL for awhile.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet……. Uhhhh thats a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.

Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor….. The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.

Scratch five.

Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do….. That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.

Scratch six.

This is way to easy I’ll have lots of time for AOL.

7). Vacuum the carpets…… Thats a hard one……. Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.

Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch….. Hey kids, don’t you have a friends house to go too?

YESSSS Scratch eight !!!!!!

9). Clean out hallway closet…… Hmmmm another hard one. That’s it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.

Scratch nine.

Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs !!!

10). Do laundry….. no problem I can do that while I’m on AOL.

Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry….. dang. Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna has to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a casmir barbie sweater, cool.

Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away…. Baskets in bedrooms work for me.

Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work ???

13). Water the Christmas tree… Oppp’s good thing the carpet is absorbent.

Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toliet paper……. These old news paper will do, besides thats recycling & thats good for the earth….

Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids …… Yeah right; were talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They’ll be back.

Scratch fifteen.

Wonder who’s on AOL, Awww I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner….. Easy, Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow.

Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house…… duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.

Operating systems as beers

AmigaDOS Beer — The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

Estaban cerca las elecciones, el

Estaban cerca las elecciones, el candidato, peronista de esos de la primera hora, se dirig�a a la multitud:

“�Y vamos a solucionar los problemas de los jubilados!”

Todos aplauden y vitorean y un borracho le grita: “�Hac� como Per�n!”

“�Claro que s� compa�ero!”, responde contento con el apoyo. “�Vamos a ayudar al obrero!”

Vitorean y el borracho otra vez: “�S�… y hac� como Per�n!”

“Por supuesto, compa�ero!”, sigui� el candidato enardecido. “�Las empresas volver�n al Estado!

“�Pero hac� como Per�n!”

“�Y que hizo Per�n?”, pregunta fuera de s�.

“�Se muri�!”

Flush

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later,
a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echoes through the bar. The
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming
about.

The bartender yells, “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring
my customers!”

The drunk responds, “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try
to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!

Bin Laden’s Surprise

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.

“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, “This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replies: “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”