A cop pulls a guy over. The guy gets out and asks, “What’s wrong
officer?”
The cop replys, “I see your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been
drinking?”
The guy looks at the cop and says, “I see your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating donuts?”
Author: admin
Eating Alone
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent
the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards
the end of class, the teacher asked his students, “Suppose I asked you to meet
me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes
east longitude…” A student’s voice broke the confused silence, and
volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone, sir.”
How did Bill Clinton get
How did Bill Clinton get the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the National
Security Council to agree to bomb the Sudan and Afgahnistan?
He called them all together, stood in front of them and said, “If you do
not agree with me, just open your mouth.”
Medical Q&A
A patient went to the hospital complaining of a stomach ache. The doctor says “what color is your stool?”The patient replies “White”The doctor, surprised asks “Really??”The patient, looking around the lab, says “yeah. aren’t they all??”
Candy or cash
Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.
One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.
‘You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world,’ she said.
‘I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They’ll do anything to get their way.
They’ll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they’ll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.’
‘Excuse me, Mother,’ one of the girls asked. ‘You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?’
‘Yes child, why do you ask?’
‘Because the priests only give us candy!’
Euroenglish
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “W” by “V”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Blonde going to the airport
Q. Why did the blonde turn around and go back home on her way to the aiport?
A. Because she saw a sign that said, “Airport left”…
Lord of the Manor
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: “And as for you Reggie — you might at least stop while I’m talking !”
Dad has two!
One day, the teacher was teaching a health class on sex education. He pulled down a chart of the male anatomy and asked if anyone knows what this is?
Little Johnny raised his hand excitedly and blurted proudly, “I don’t know its name but my dad has two of them.”
The professor said, “Johnny, you must be mistaken, your daddy doesn’t have two.”
Johnny insisted, “Yes he does. He has a little one he uses to pee with, and a big one that mom uses to brush her teeth!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
What’s the diff…
Q: What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.
A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
ELEPHANTS
Q. WHY DO ELEPHANTS HAVE 4 FEET? A.THEY WOULD LOOK SILLY WITH 6 INCHES.
School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son.
It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the
Principal!”