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REPORTER: “You talk about the general threat toward Americans….And people ask us, what is it they’re supposed to be on the lookout for?…What are Americans supposed to look for and report to the police or to the FBI?”
BUSH: “You know, if you find a person that you’ve never seen before getting in a crop-duster that doesn’t belong to you, report it….”Press Conference, 10/11/01
There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, “Aaaaaahhh!!!”
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business,
he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes
and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul,
Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you�. The man asks, “Can you unzip my
zipper?” Bob says, “OK�. Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?” Bob
replies, “Uh, yeah, OK�. Bob pulls it out, it has all kinds of mold, and red
bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something
awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points it for him. Bob
then shakes it, puts it back in, and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, “Thanks,
man, I really appreciate it�. Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong
with your penis?” The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t
know, but I isn�t touching it.
How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, two… one, two, three, four!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, “Ms. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “I do know you Mr. Leigh. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
Q. Why did the blonde turn around and go back home on her way to the aiport?
A. Because she saw a sign that said, “Airport left”…
What do Gary Condit and a magician have in common?They both make their assistants disappear!
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son.
It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the
Principal!”
Q: What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.
A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “W” by “V”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BILL CLINTON’S FRIEND??
The following is a list of dead people connected to Bill Clinton. Please
note the following breakdown of causes, and then think about the statistical possibility of their being random occurrences (especially the plane crashes):
1. James McDougal – Clinton’s convicted Whitewater partner died of an
apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key
witness in Ken Starr’s investigation.
2. Mary Mahoney – A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a
Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she
was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
3. Vince Foster – Former White House counselor, and colleague of Hillary
Clinton at Little Rock’s Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the
head, ruled a suicide.
4. Ron Brown – Secretary of Commerce and former Democratic National
Committee Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A
pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was A HOLE IN
THE TOP OF BROWN’S SKULL RESEMBLING A GUNSHOT WOUND. At the time of his
death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness
to cut a deal with prosecutors.
5.and 6. C. Victor Raiser II and Montgomery Raiser – Major players in the
Clinton fundraising organization died in a private plane crash in July
1992.
7. Paul Tulley – Democratic National Committee Political Director found
dead in a hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992. Described by Clinton
as a “Dear friend and trusted advisor.”
8. Ed Willey – Clinton fundraiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the
woods in Virginia of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed
Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton
groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved
in several Clinton fund raising events.
9. Jerry Parks – Head of Clinton’s gubernatorial security team in Little
Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little
Rock. Park’s son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He
allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files
were mysteriously removed from his house.
10. James Bunch – It was reported that he had a “Black Book” of people
containing names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas
and Arkansas. Died from a gunshot suicide.
11. James Wilson – He was reported to have ties to Whitewater. Was found
dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide.
12. Kathy Ferguson – Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson and a
possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones. She died in May 1994 was
found dead in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a
suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she was
going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a codefendant along with Bill Clinton
in the Paula Jones lawsuit.
13. Bill Shelton – Arkansas State Trooper and fiance of Kathy Ferguson.
Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiance, he was found dead in June
1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the gravesite of his
fiance.
14. Gandy Baugh – Attorney for Clinton friend Dan Lassater died by jumping
out a window of a tall building January 1994. His client was a convicted
drug distributor.
15. Florence Martin – Accountant subcontractor for the CIA related to the
Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. Died of three gunshot wounds.
16. Suzanne Coleman – Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was
Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the BACK of the
head, ruled a suicide. WAS PREGNANT AT THE TIME OF HER DEATH.
17. Paula Grober – Clinton’s speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978
until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one-car accident.
18. Danny Casolaro – Reporter investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas
Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparent suicide in the
middle of his investigation.
19. Paul Wilcher – Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with
Casolaro and the 1980 “October Surprise” was found dead on a toilet June
22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet
Reno 3 weeks before his death.
20. Jon Parnell Walker – Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust
Corp. He was investigating Morgan Guarantee scandal. Jumped to his death
from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993
21. Barbara Wise – Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron
Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her
bruised nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of
Commerce.
22. Charles Meissner – Assistant Secretary of Commerce, who gave John
Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane
crash.
23. Dr. Stanley Heard – Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care
Advisory Committee and member of Clinton’s advisory council, who personally
treated Clinton’s mother, stepfather and brother. He died with his
attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash.
24. Barry Seal – Drug running pilot out of Mena Arkansas. Death was no
accident.
25. Johnny Lawhorn Jr. – Mechanic, found a check made out to Clinton in
the trunk of a car left in his repair shop. Died when his car hit a
utility pole.
26. Stanley Huggins – Investigated Madison Guarantee. His report was never
released. Suicide.
27. Hershell Friday – Attorney and Clinton fundraiser died March 1, 1994
when his plane exploded.
29. Kevin Ives and
28. Don Henry – Known as “the boys on the track” case. Reports say the
boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation.
Controversial case where initial report of death was due to falling asleep
on railroad track. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before
being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their
testimony could come before a Grand Jury:
30. Keith Coney – Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a
truck July, 1988
31. Keith McMaskle – Died stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988
32. Gregory Collins – Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.
33. Jeff Rhodes – He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump
in April 1989.
34. James Milan – Found decapitated. CORONER RULED DEATH DUE TO NATURAL
CAUSES.
35. Jordan Kettleson – Was found shot to death in the front seat of his
pickup truck in June 1990.
36. Richard Winters – Was a suspect in the Ives / Henry deaths. Was killed
in a setup robbery July 1989.
And not to forget the Clinton bodyguards, who died in the line of service:
37. Major William S. Barkley Jr.
38. Captain Scott J. Reynolds
39. Sgt. Brian Hanley
40. Sgt. Tim Sabel
41. Major General William Robertson
42. Col. William Densberger
43. Col. Robert Kelly
44. Spec. Gary Rhodes
45. Steve Willis
46. Robert Williams
47. Conway LeBleu
48. Todd McKeehan
im a cool girl,
in a cool town.
it takes a real
motherfucker to
put me down.