Yours Fun Portal !
A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing? There’s a public toilet 20 meters from here!”
The man, amazed, yells back. “What do you think I have, a hose?”
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh;” it’s already
too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak – it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t
walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, “Daddy, diapers don’t flush!”
No time is a good time to hear, “Daddy, your tires are ‘hisssssing.'”
You never want to hear, “Watch me fly!” coming from the roof>
Nor do you want to hear, “Your new cell phone doesn’t work underwater.”
Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
Never light fireworks inside.
Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
Daddy’s shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.
Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy’s shoes is not good.
Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
Walnuts make the blender act funny.
Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
Collecting things is good.
Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
Eating string is a bad hobby.
Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
Finger painting is good.
Finger painting walls is dangerous.
If you hear the words, “Can ya eat a lizard’s tail?”
It’s too late!
If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my hands.”
You don’t want to know.
If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my mouth.”
You REALLY don’t want to know!
‘Fan’ and ‘flour’ should never be heard in the same sentence.
The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper
without choking.
Any sentence which contains the word ‘Oooops’ is bad.
Any sentence beginning with, “How much do you love me?”
means ‘prepare for bad news’
Throwing daddy’s wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
Opening all 24 of daddy’s cans of beer is a bad idea.
Hiding parts of daddy’s computer can make your butt hurt.
Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy’s mood.
Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
“Why do fish float?” means trouble.
Any sentence beginning with, “When [your pet’s name] dies…”
is never a good sign.
Setting the hamsters free changes the cat’s mood.
Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
Cats get even.
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
– Mike Adams
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”
The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”
The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”
The bartender can’t believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”
The drunk replies, “You! No way! You get too violent when you drink!”
He grew bogus
Bush ego grew
Where bugs go
Whose bugger?
“W”: he bugs Gore
e.g. bug whores?
Ugh! Sewer bog!
Bugger, who’s ‘e?
Ogre hugs web
Other related anagrams
President George “Dubya” Bush:
Ego upset by greed and hubris
USA President George Bush:
Ass…one stupid bugger here!
Huge, depressing saboteur
The Republican Party:
Try neat, happier club
Buy that pearl, Prince!
Entire rat club happy!
Aren’t public therapy
Republicans / Democrats:
Superb morals? Accident!
Cured satanic problems
Products enable racism
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share.IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers.
Your mama’s so dumb she went to the drive-in movie to see
“Closed for the Season.”
Yo momma so fat she put on a yellow bathing suit and everyone thought the sun was falling
A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps. The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps. The blonde throws up her money, and yells,”God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don’t I get to keep.”
Twas the night before crisis,And all through the house,Not a program was working,Not even a browse.Programmers were wrung out,Too mindless to care,Knowing chances of cutoverHadn’t a prayer.The users were nestledAll snug in their beds,While visions of inquiriesDanced in their heads.When out in the lobbyThere arose such a clatter,That I sprang from my tubeTo see what was the matter.And what to my wonderingEyes should appear,But a Super Programmer,Oblivious to fear.More rapid than eagles,His programs they cameAnd he whistled and shoutedAnd called them by name.On Update! On Add!On Inquiry! On Delete!On Batch Jobs! On Closing!On Functions Complete!His eyes were glazed over,His fingers were lean,From weekends and nightsSpent in front of a screen.A wink of his eye,And a twist of his head,Soon gave me to knowI had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word,But went straight to his work,Turning specs into code,Then he turned with a jerk.And laying his fingersUpon the ENTER key,The system came up,And worked perfectly!The updates updated;The deletes they deleted;The inquiries inquired;And the closing completed.He tested each whistle,He tested each bell,With nary an abend,And all had gone well.The system was finished,The tests were concluded,The client’s last changesWere even included!And the client exclaimed,With a snarl and a taunt,”It’s just what I asked for,But it’s not what I want!”
Please leave your values at the front desk.
your mama pussy so fat every time i look at it,i say dawm what a hole