Author: admin

It has been brought to management’s attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We
do however realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with
coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our
more sensitive employees.

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

PREFERRED: I’m certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.

PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You’ve got to be shitting me.

PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with …
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.

PREFERRED: Of course I’m concerned.
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.

PREFERRED: I wasn’t involved in that project.
OLD: Its not my fucking problem.

PREFERRED: That’s interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?!

PREFERRED: I’m not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won’t work.

PREFERRED: I’ll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner.

PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.
OLD: Who the fuck cares.

PREFERRED: He’s not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He’s got his head up his ass.

PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

PREFERRED: So you weren’t happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass!

PREFERRED: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

PREFERRED: I don’t think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.

PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.

PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.

PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Blow me.

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting!

PREFERRED: I don’t think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don’t give a shit.

PREFERRED: He’s somewhat insensitive. OLD: He’s a fucking prick.

PREFERRED: She’s an aggressive go getter OLD: She’s a ball
busting bitch.

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training OLD: You don’t
know what the fuck you’re doing.

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?”, he asked.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?”, he asked again.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said –
“What a cute little fart!”

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or
is deadly at Scrabble.

Dormitory
Dirty Room
Desperation
A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code
Here Come Dots
Slot Machines
Cash Lost in ’em
Animosity
Is No Amity
Mother-in-law
Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms
Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness
Genuine Class
The Public Art Galleries
Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point
I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes
That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two
Twelve plus one
Contradiction
Accord not in it
“To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”
“In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.”
“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”
“A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!”

Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me father for I have
sinned.”
“What have you done Tommy O’Connor?”

“I had sex with a girl.”

“Who was it, Tommy?”

“I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.”

“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”

“No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”

“No father, please forgive me for my sin.”

“Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O’Keefe.”

“No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished
of your sin.”

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. “What did
yaw get?” asked Joseph.

“Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.”

A couple are on holidays in the west of Ireland. It is wet and
freezing. They visit a remote pub and are the only people there
except for the barman. They order drinks and sit down. Looking
out the large bay-window they spot a donkey taking a piss in the
field. All of a sudden the husband bolts out the door and into
the field. The wife and barman look on in amazement as the
husband lifts the donkeys tail and kisses it on the arse!
Apon his return the wife,(in a state of shock), asks him
“Why the fuck did you kiss the donkey on the arse?”
The husband replies ” I’ve got chapped lips!”
The wife replies “But kissing a donkey’s arse in not a cure for
chapped lips!”
The husband replies “I know but it stops you from licking them!”

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can’t make it through 20 minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn’t want to cancel the date, because he’s afraid he won’t ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn’t want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).

Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. “Oh crap,” he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way,he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. “Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?” he asks.

“No problem, I’d like to look around too,” she replies.

They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men’s fashions are on the right, women’s fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn’t see him buying the pants. He doesn’t even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away)

“Just the pants.”

“What?” asks the Gap girl.

“Just the pants!” (Eyes still trained on his date.)

Gap girl: “Oh, OK.”

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.

After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out… just the sweater.