Author: admin

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. “You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!” Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. “How do *you* know, Sister?” “My Mother Superior told me so” “But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?” “Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself” “Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life” “How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!” “I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know” The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. “Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “… and could you put the vodka in a teacup?” “Oh no! It’s not that drunken Nun again is it?”

The Student in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.”Does the hole go all the way through?” “Yes.” i replied “Did it hurt?” “Just a little.” i told him “Did they stick a needle through your ears?” “No, they used a special gun.” i said Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, “How far away did they stand?”

Q: How many people from Dresden can you fit in a mini ?

A: About 25000 if you’ve got a shovel.

It has been brought to management’s attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We
do however realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with
coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our
more sensitive employees.

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

PREFERRED: I’m certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.

PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You’ve got to be shitting me.

PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with …
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.

PREFERRED: Of course I’m concerned.
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.

PREFERRED: I wasn’t involved in that project.
OLD: Its not my fucking problem.

PREFERRED: That’s interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?!

PREFERRED: I’m not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won’t work.

PREFERRED: I’ll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner.

PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.
OLD: Who the fuck cares.

PREFERRED: He’s not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He’s got his head up his ass.

PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

PREFERRED: So you weren’t happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass!

PREFERRED: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

PREFERRED: I don’t think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.

PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.

PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.

PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Blow me.

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting!

PREFERRED: I don’t think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don’t give a shit.

PREFERRED: He’s somewhat insensitive. OLD: He’s a fucking prick.

PREFERRED: She’s an aggressive go getter OLD: She’s a ball
busting bitch.

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training OLD: You don’t
know what the fuck you’re doing.