A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Author: admin
A really conceited guy is screwing a really…
A really conceited guy is screwing a really conceited chick.
“Tight, aren’t I?” says the chick.
“No,” says the guy, “Just full!”
True story from the WordPerfect helpline!
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause.”
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?” “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?” “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?” “They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?” “Nothing.”
“Nothing?” “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?” “How do I tell?”
“Can you see the c:prompt on the screen?” “What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?” “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?” “What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?” “I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?” “Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall. “Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?” “No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.” “Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.” “I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?” “No”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?” “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?” “Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.” “I can’t.”
“No? Why not?” “Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power….A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?” “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?” “Yes, I’m afraid it is.” “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?” “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!”
Gorilla Nostrils
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
Boys and Girls
“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
The Lawyer and the Roadkill
Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead
lawyer lying in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Discipline
Let a pig and a boy have everything they want, and you’ll get a good pig and a bad boy.
Please Save Her!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.
A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I”ll give you a hundred dollars.”
The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, buddy, where’s my hundred?”
The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said…
“Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?”
Bad lawyer
hear about the lawyer that was sooooooooo bad (how bad was he?) he was so bad the last case he tried was the case of budweiser
Knock KnockWho’s there?Hot Air!Hot Air
Knock KnockWho’s there?Hot Air!Hot Air who?Hot air pardner, how ya doin’?
The Crying Horse
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says “if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night”.
So he says “ok” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says “if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says “To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him”.
Fit in a mini
Q: How many people from Dresden can you fit in a mini ?
A: About 25000 if you’ve got a shovel.