I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Author: admin
Mother in-law
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.'”
Fly Away!
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping
center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and
other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was
obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness
of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the
woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of
here and home before Christmas!”
“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the clerk. “With that wind kicking
up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you’ll be
home in no time.”
Brain Dead Girlfriend
A guy’s brain-dead girlfriend comes back from the doctor’s and tells him that she’s got a disease, but she can’t remember what it’s called. All she remembers is that it has a two-letter name. The guy phones the doc, who tells him that he’d seen two women patients that morning, but due to confidentiality laws he can’t discuss any cases.
All he is prepared to say is that one patient had TB and one had VD. The guy is distraught, as he was horny as a porcupine and looking forward to a night of heavy passion.
“What can I do, Doc?” he asks.
Doc says, “Hell, chase her round the bed three or four times. If she starts coughing, screw her.”
Apperance
Roses are red,Violets are blue,
God made me pretty,
What the hell happened to you?!
Teacher Arrested
News Release: Teacher Arrested
At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like ‘x’and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle’.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”
oops!
A guy farted oops!
3
three men are walking in a forest and a pack of etheopeins catch them the irsish man says look volcano the etheopains all look and he runs the scotish man shouts look hurracain and they look again and he runs the english man shouts fire and they all fire at him
Can You See It?
Well one day this teacher was trying to explain evolution to her
kindergarten class. She uses a little boy named Tommy to help
her. This is what happened that day.
Teacher: Tommy can you go outside and look at the tree?
Tommy: Ok
(Tommy goes outside looks at the tree and comes back in)
Teacher: Did you see the tree?
Tommy: Yep.
Teacher: Ok, now I want you to go outside and look at the grass.
(Tommy goes outside looks at the grass and comes back in.)
Teacher: Tommy, did you see the grass?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Ok. Tommy, go back outside and look at the sky.
(Tommy goes outside looks at the sky and comes back in)
Teacher: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yea.
Teacher: Ok now one last time Tommy. I want you to go outside
and look back up into the sky.
Tommy: Ok.
(Tommy goes back outside and looks back at the sky.)
Teacher: Now Tommy, did you see God?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That’s right. Because He’s not there.
(Then a six year old girl stands up and asks the teacher if she
could do something. The teacher said fine.)
Girl: Tommy go back outside and look at the tree.
Tommy: (A little annoyed) OOOOKKK.
(Tommy looks at it and comes back in.)
Girl: Did you see it?
Tommy: YES!!
Girl: Ok Tommy, now look at the teacher.
(Tommy looks)
Girl: Do you see her?
Tommy: Yea.
Girl: Did you see her brain?
Tommy: No.
Girl: Well with what she just taught us today she must not have
one.
It is when you trip
It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.
Mixed Emotions
Q: Do you know what the height of mixed emotions is?
A: Watching your mother-in- law go over a cliff in your brand-new Mercedes.
Computer Down
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St.
Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll
have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So
what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky Mountains.”
“So is it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this
week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what
you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall
the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult.”
“Why?” asked the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”