STAR TREK / STAR WARS ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGESBridge, Kirk here.Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? — Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad’s answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.(Bad imitations:) Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant? Worf: Scanning, Captain… Strange… No life-forms. Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message and we’ll assimilate you later. (or) Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike… (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.(Chekov’s voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things… Say things we did not vant to say… But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep…Hello, you’ve reached 555-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. He’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
Author: admin
Your mom is so fat
your momma is so fat that her belt size is equator
A Shave and a Shine
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll
have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face and sharpen
the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room.”
She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.
The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the
difference.”
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”
Rumor
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor
Submitted by Curtis
Short Condom Joke
Why did the condom go flying across the room?
It got pissed off!
Q: How many Will
Q: How many Will Rogers’ does it take to change a dead light bulb?A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn’t like.
Blondes and Bras
How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra?
They’ll be sqaure because they forget to take the Klennex out of the box.
Blonde Abortion
Q: Why did the blopnde get an abortion?A: Because she was afraid it wasn’t her baby.–Submitted By: Steve
It is when you trip
It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.
Zip, Dick and Pee
There were once three boys in a classroom called Zip, Dick
and Pee. Their teacher went out of the classroom so they
decided to get up to some mischeif. Zip got on top of the
cupboard, Dick got inside and Pee jumped around outside.
The teacher came back in and said, ”Zip down, Dick out and
Pee in the corner!”
Fly Away!
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping
center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and
other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was
obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness
of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the
woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of
here and home before Christmas!”
“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the clerk. “With that wind kicking
up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you’ll be
home in no time.”
Farmer Johns problem
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.
Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
“Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”
“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse.
Now you listen to this….” “I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by.
Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters.
Then I got back to work.”
“I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that upset me!
So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.”
“Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg.
I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece oh rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer.
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?”
“Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya….!”