Author: admin

Winders XP (Arkansas Edition)

Posted on by admin

A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.

It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Other differentiating features:

The Recycle Bin is labeled “Outhouse”
My Computer is called “This Dern Contraption”
Dial up Networking is called “Good Ol’ Boys”
Control Panel is known as the “The Dashboard”
Hard Drive is referred to as “4- Wheel Drive”
Floppies are “them little ol plastic disc thangs”
Instead of an error message a “garbage bag and roll of duct tape” pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . . yep
No . . . . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . .hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder
Back . . . . . . . . back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . crank er up
Settings . . . . . . settins
Programs . . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:

Tiperiter . . . . . . . A word processing program
Colerin book . . . . . a graphics program
cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator
outhouse paper . . . . notepad
iner-net . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 6.0
pichers . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

I hope this helps all y’all!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho

Church announcement bloopers!

Posted on by admin

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don’t let worry kill you- let the church help.

2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
upstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put
me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club.
All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come
forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be “What is hell?”
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Wake Up Call

Posted on by admin

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

“Good morning,” a young man said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!” I complained. “What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”

“Well, sir,” the desk clerk quickly replied, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn’t be staying in this motel!”

King of the Jungle

Posted on by admin

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, ‘Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?’ The trembling monkey says, ‘You are, mighty lion! ‘Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, ‘Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?’ The terrified wildebeest stammers, ‘Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!’ On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, ‘Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?’ Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away. The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, ‘Geez, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so pissed off!’

A Shave and a Shine

Posted on by admin

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll
have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face and sharpen
the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the
difference.”
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

Before It starts

Posted on by admin

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts!”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts!”

She looks across, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!”

The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

Nudist colony

Posted on by admin

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

Blond: “Sir, did you call for me?”
New Man: “No, I just got here.”
Blond: “You must be new here, it’s a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me.”

The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts.

A huge man comes toward him.

Huge Man: “Sir, did you call for me?”
New Man: “No, I just got here.”
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me.”

The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist…

New Man: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.”
Receptionist: “But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….”
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) “Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Short Lawyer Jokes II

Posted on by admin

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true. “I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.

The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

The reason law schools have been described as “a place for the accumulation of learning” is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out–and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since
1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. “I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.” “Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?” “No,” he answered. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question ‘yes’, was “why?”. Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it “Never got caught.”