Author: admin

Well, it seems that these

Posted on by admin

Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and a
[ethnic], are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the
final hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his
inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American is
brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied
around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting
the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running
away.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: “10, 9, 8,……”

Just before the officer reaches “1,” the American shouts,
“Flood!”

Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around
searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the American
manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the
executioners are aware of what happened, the American has made his way deep
into the woods. And, of course, for the purposes of this joke, no attempt
is made to catch the runaway.

The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing the
American’s success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape. He
knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the ‘flood’ trick
Again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: “10, 9, 8,
……”

Just before the officer reaches “1,” the German shouts,
“Hurricane!” Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles
and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion,
the German manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the
executioners are aware of what happened, the German has made his way deep
into the woods. Again, of course, for the purposes of this joke, no
attempt is made to catch the runaway.

The [ethnic] is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his
predecessor’s successes, the [ethnic] decides to attempt a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the ‘flood’ or
the ‘hurricane’ tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural
disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: “10, 9, 8,

……” Just before the officer reaches “1,” the [ethnic] shouts, “Fire!”

Winders XP (Arkansas Edition)

Posted on by admin

A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.

It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Other differentiating features:

The Recycle Bin is labeled “Outhouse”
My Computer is called “This Dern Contraption”
Dial up Networking is called “Good Ol’ Boys”
Control Panel is known as the “The Dashboard”
Hard Drive is referred to as “4- Wheel Drive”
Floppies are “them little ol plastic disc thangs”
Instead of an error message a “garbage bag and roll of duct tape” pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . . yep
No . . . . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . .hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder
Back . . . . . . . . back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . crank er up
Settings . . . . . . settins
Programs . . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:

Tiperiter . . . . . . . A word processing program
Colerin book . . . . . a graphics program
cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator
outhouse paper . . . . notepad
iner-net . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 6.0
pichers . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

I hope this helps all y’all!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho

Nudist colony

Posted on by admin

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

Blond: “Sir, did you call for me?”
New Man: “No, I just got here.”
Blond: “You must be new here, it’s a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me.”

The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts.

A huge man comes toward him.

Huge Man: “Sir, did you call for me?”
New Man: “No, I just got here.”
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me.”

The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist…

New Man: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.”
Receptionist: “But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….”
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) “Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

46 Fun Things to do in Wal-Mart

Posted on by admin

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crap, anyway?”

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”

20. Put M&M’s on layaway.

21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. b

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”

41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

A Shave and a Shine

Posted on by admin

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll
have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face and sharpen
the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the
difference.”
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”