A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a
year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was
anything he should do.
“What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70 or early ’80 model Dodge
Pickup,” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can
find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”
The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?”
“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like
forever�.
Author: admin
What is a Jewish American
What is a Jewish American Princess’s favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale’s.
Yo mama is so stupid
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Cross-examined
An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver’s lawyer:Lawyer: Samuel, you’ve told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren’t injured at all, isn’t that true?”Samuel: Well … let me explain.Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, ‘Looks like he has a broken leg,’ and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, ‘I’m OK!’
Other Things Mama Told Me…
Not to cuss.
Not to cohabitate.
Not to use that language.
Not to go in the first place.
Not to invest in Telecom stocks.
Not to date sluts.
Not to eat with my hands.
Not to drink from the filthy bucket.
Not to train octopi.
Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.
Not to mix plaids and stripes.
Not to wiggle.
Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie’s
funeral.
Not to save and collect my empty enemas.
Not to smell my feet.
Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.
Not to lick the poison mushrooms.
Not to unlock the closet.
Not to wear her bras.
Not to �tickle the gator�.
Not to play with the children under the stairs.
Not to juggle the plutonium.
Not to smoke her cigars.
Not to seethe.
Not to let the dogs out, because she�ll know who did it.
Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.
Not to dance dirty.
Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.
Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.
Not to tap on my brother�s iron lung.
Not to take candy from strangers.
Not to let Dad out of the closet.
Thoughts
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Survivers
If a plane crashes on the border of Canada and the USA where do u bury the survivers? U DONT BURY SURVIVORS THEY SURVIVED!
Get out of the Truck
Two blondes were walking home one day, and suddenly it began to
rain. Luckily, a man driving a pickup truck stopped and offered
them a ride. He told them that there wasn’t room in the cab,
because he had two of his friends with him, but that they could
sit in the back with his dog and, although they would still get
wet, they would get home a lot quicker. The blondes agreed and
climbed in. The man started driving, but suddenly a little kid
ran in front of the truck, and the driver swerved, and the truck
plunged into a lake. The driver and his two friends struggled to
open the doors of the truck to get out before they drowned, and
when they reached the lake shore, they looked around for the two
blondes, but they were nowhere to be found. The driver saw his
dog had gotten out just fine, and wondered if the blondes had
gotten stuck under the water. Just as the man was about to jump
in the water to rescue them, the blondes both surfaced and swam
to the shore. Looking confused, the driver asked them what had
taken them so long. The blondes answered: “Well duh! We couldn’t
get out–the tailgate was stuck!!”
Michaels perfect 10
Q. Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect “10”?
A. Two 5 year olds.
Run Mr Taliban Song…
Sung to the tune of “Day-O” (The Banana Boat Song)
Day-O…oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you’re hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA…
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam’s pissed, he ain’t no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home
The boy & the clock
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly.
Revenge
While at dinner, a man struck up a conversation with a woman in the dining car of a cross-country train. Both, as it turned out, were married and both were traveling on business. Following several after-dinner drinks, the woman confessed that she was sure that her husband would be unfaithful while she was away.
The man admitted he had a similar fear about his wife. “Since we are in the same situation,” the man suggested with an eager gleam in his eye, “perhaps we could extract revenge together.”
With out another word, the two made there way to his sleeping compartment, where their partners’ adultery was passionately avenged. The two lay still for several minutes afterward. Then as her lover turned over to sleep, the woman whispered, “How about one more act of revenge?”
“Sorry,” he yawned , “I’ve already forgiven my wife.”