An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver’s lawyer:Lawyer: Samuel, you’ve told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren’t injured at all, isn’t that true?”Samuel: Well … let me explain.Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, ‘Looks like he has a broken leg,’ and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, ‘I’m OK!’
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El padre de la iglesia
El padre de la iglesia se acerca a una de las feligresas m�s buenas:
“Oye, hija, comprender�s que uno es hombre y tiene necesidades, y yo quisiera ver si pudiera haber alguna posibilidad contigo.
“�Pero, padre, estoy casada!”
“No hay problema, dile a tu marido que vienes a misa de gallo”.
“Est� bien, vengo a las doce de la noche”.
Dan las doce y la mujer est� a punto de salir de su casa, despu�s de una ardua pelea con el marido, pero �ste no le cree y va con ella a misa. Llegan y como la misa no comienza, el marido solicita:
“No hay ninguna misa, v�monos ya”.
“Espera, ya va a empezar”.
En eso, se escucha una voz:
“�Dejen de hacer el amor!”
“�O�ste eso, vieja?”
Y se sigue escuchando la voz.
“Voy a subir a ver qu� pasa o qui�n grita”, dice el esposo.
Cuando el hombre sube, el cura sale y lo hace con la se�ora. Baja el marido y le comenta a su esposa:
“�Mi vida, no me lo vas a creer, pero desde all� arriba se ve, claritito, a una pareja haciendo el amor!”
What is a Jewish American
What is a Jewish American Princess’s favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale’s.
1. I’m really keen to
1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.4. I know where you live.5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted.”6. I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.7. Happy faces.8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.9. I’m confident that I’ll get this job. The voices told me.
Tiger (Woods) in Bed
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin”The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.””Oh yeah? Who was the guy?””Tiger Woods.””Tiger Woods the golfer?””Yeah.””Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.”What are you doing?” asks the wife.The husbands says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.””Tiger wouldn’t do that.””Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.”Now what are you doing?” She asks.The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.””Tiger wouldn’t do that.””Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?””He’d come back to bed and do it again.”The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love to wife one more time.When they finish he�s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and stars to dial.The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?””No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole.”
Missing Jesus
It was Palm Sunday, and the family’s 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.”
“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, and Jesus shows up!”
The boy & the clock
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly.
Goodbye Mother
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few
things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally
he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made
you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my
son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I
can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye,
Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total
was $127.50.
“How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Yo mama so short
yo mama so short she went bungii jumpin off a curb
Because someone dropped a quarter.
Q: Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
A: Because someone dropped a quarter.
Your Mamma and the toilet seat….
Your Mamma so fat then when she went to sit on the toilet the toilet said a b c d e f g get your fat butt off of me!
Revenge
While at dinner, a man struck up a conversation with a woman in the dining car of a cross-country train. Both, as it turned out, were married and both were traveling on business. Following several after-dinner drinks, the woman confessed that she was sure that her husband would be unfaithful while she was away.
The man admitted he had a similar fear about his wife. “Since we are in the same situation,” the man suggested with an eager gleam in his eye, “perhaps we could extract revenge together.”
With out another word, the two made there way to his sleeping compartment, where their partners’ adultery was passionately avenged. The two lay still for several minutes afterward. Then as her lover turned over to sleep, the woman whispered, “How about one more act of revenge?”
“Sorry,” he yawned , “I’ve already forgiven my wife.”