It’s just to hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?””Probably that I married you for your money.”
Author: admin
Another Kitty Pill
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of refrigerator. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Shoot pill down throat with rubberband. 11) Get screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply ice pack to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small shovel. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to pick up cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Jesus
One Day A Guy Broke Into A Familys House While They Were Out. He
Was Creeping Slowly Up The Stairs When He Heard “Jesus Is Gonna
Get U!” He Stood Still For A Moment Thinking There Was Still
Someone Home. When He Didnt Hear Anything For Awile He Continued
His Way Up The Stairs. The He Heard It Again, He Got Out His Gun
And Turned The Corner, And Sitting There Was A Parrot. He WaS
Releived And The Parrot Said Again “Jesus Is Gonna Get U!” He
Replied “Is That So, And Where Is Jesus” He Laughed And Started
To Walk On, The He Heard The Parrot Say “Jesus Is The Family
Rotwieler”
Night flight
An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. “Gee, we’ve even put a man on the moon.”
“That’s nothing,” replied the Irishman,” we’re going to put a man on the sun.”
“Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.”
“Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis
Unhappily Married
A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, “I wonder if it’s magic. I think I’ll rub it and find out.”Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, “I’m your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.”Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, “Give me a million dollars.” So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the “one condition”.Next the man said, ” I’d like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast.” So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.Finally the genie said, “You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.”So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, “Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”
MOSES LEADS THE ISRAELITES
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
school.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red
Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked
across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites
were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe
it!”
A blind man
A blind man and his dog walks into a bar.The blind man pick up his dog and starts spining him around,the bartender says to the blind man what are you doing to that poor dog.The blind man says iam looking around
Yo mama
yo mama so poor she put a french fry on layaway
Financial Terminology
In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:
EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings before Interest Expenses, Taxes,
Depreciation and Amortization) – Now stands for “Earnings before I Tricked Dumb
Auditor”.
EBIT (Earnings before Interest and Taxes) – Now stands for “Earnings
before Irregularities and Tampering”.
CEO (Chief Executive Officer) – Now stands for “Chief Embezzlement Officer”.
CFO (Chief Financial Officer) – Now stands for “Corporate Fraud Officer”.
NAV (Net Asset Value) – Now stands for “Normal Andersen Valuation”.
EPS (Earnings per Share) – Now stands for “Eventual Prison Sentence”.
Yo Mama’s Like the Pilsbury Doughboy
Yo Mama’s like the Pilsbury Doughboy. Everybody wants to poke her.
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
The early bird who catches
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.