How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts the sentence with, `A man once told me…’How do you fix a woman’s watch?You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course… at least he’ll shut up after you’ve let him in.All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman who won’t do what she’s told.What do you call a woman with two brain cells?Pregnant.I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence? Divorced.Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent – wedding cake.
Author: admin
Black and White
What’s black and white and tells the pope to FUCK OFF?
A nun that’s just won the lottery.
Top 56 Signs That You Have a Drinking Problem
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
- Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
- “Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.
- When you can focus better with one eye closed
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
- Every woman you see has an exact twin.
- You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
- If you keep asking your wife “where are the kids?”, but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.
- You fall off the floor.
- You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Had “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
- The glass keeps missing your mouth.
- Bob Dole starts to make sense.
- When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
- Vampires get woozy after biting you.
- The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
- At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
- Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
- When vomiting becomes a relief.
- Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
- Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
- You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
- Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.
- Hi occifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.
- Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
- No occifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober…
- Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down… No Problem
- If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
- Take me drunk, I’m home!
- The bottle’s empty… that’s the problem!
- Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
- You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
- Roseanne looks good.
- Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
- You drink to get over a hangover.
- That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
- You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.
- The Whisky Ain’t Working Anymore.
- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
- You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
- I’m as jober as a sudge!
- You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
- I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
- Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
- Newt Gingrich… he’s soooo sexy.
Insults 4
She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence!
She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet seat.
She thinks the rear-view mirror is for putting on make-up.
She was another one of his near Mrs.
She’s a lot like train tracks – she’s been laid across the country.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Blonde Sex
Question: Why did the blonde have a briuse on her belly button?
Answer: She had a blond boyfriend.
The Top 18 Signs It’s Time for Your Rock Band to Retire
18> No longer able to “Rock and Roll All Night” without an entire case of Viagra.
17> Ever since Strom left the band for a career in politics, the sound just hasn’t been the same.
16> Your lead guitarist switches to Heroin P.M. so that those after-concert parties don’t keep him awake all night.
15> You’re still considered a hair band, but now it’s because of your ears and noses.
14> Instead of saying “Good night, Cleveland!” at the end of your set, you scream, “Honey! It’s time for my sponge bath!”
13> “I’m sorry, Mr. Hanson, but it seems you’ve hit puberty.”
12> Then: You freaked out on-stage because of the drugs you took.
Now: You freak out on-stage because of the drugs you *forgot* to take.
11> “Shooting up” didn’t used to involve an enema.
10> Old band logo: picture of giant red lips.
Current band logo: picture of giant sagging man-boobs.
9> Biting the head off a bat now requires corporate sponsorship from Super Poly-Grip.
8> The only people making bootleg tapes at your concerts are from the Smithsonian.
7> Your songs are blocked from Napster — not by your record company’s request, but because they suck.
6> Then: You instructed security to screen the crowd for sweet young things willing to put out for the band.
Now: You instruct security to screen the crowd for sweet young things who are willing to to pre-chew all those green M&M’s for the band.
5> You stop outdoor concerts to take a garden hose to the young hooligans who won’t get off the lawn.
4> The band refuses to make a video because they’re convinced that the cameras will steal their souls.
3> Bad: Your groupies drag their oxygen tanks to the stage to admire your alligator-skin pants.
Worse: You forgot to put on any pants.
2> Nowadays when your fans throw their panties on stage, it looks like the Fifth Airborne parachuting into Normandy.
1> The hot babe in the first row just lifted her skirt — to show you her breasts.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]What kids say
‘Never trust a dog to watch your food.’ – Patrick, aged 10.
‘When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer.’- Hannah, aged 9.
‘Never tell your mum her diet’s not working.’ – Michael, aged 14.
‘Stay away from prunes.’ – Randy, aged 9.
‘Don’t squat with your spurs on.’ – Noronha, aged 13.
‘Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to.’ – Emily, aged 10.
‘When your mum is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.’ – Taylia, aged 11.
‘Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.’ – Traci, aged 14.
‘Don’t sneeze in front of your mum when you’re eating crackers.’ – Mitchell, aged 12.
‘Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.’ – Andrew, aged 9.
‘Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.’ – Kyoyo, aged 9.
‘You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.’ – Armir, aged 9.
‘Don’t wear polka-dotted underwear under white shorts.’ – Kellie, aged 11.
‘If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.’ – Naomi, aged 15.
‘Felt pens are not good to use as lipstick.’ – Lauren, aged 9.
‘Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.’ – Joel, aged 10.
‘When you get a bad grade at school, show it to your mum when she’s on the phone.’ – Alyesha, aged 13.
‘Never try to baptise a cat.’ – Eileen, aged 8.
Night flight
An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. “Gee, we’ve even put a man on the moon.”
“That’s nothing,” replied the Irishman,” we’re going to put a man on the sun.”
“Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.”
“Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis
Duck , grapes and a bar?
a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender
“do you got any grapes?””
the bartender looks up and says “”no””
the duck comes into the bar the next day and asks again
“”do ya got any grapes?””
the bartender again says “”no””
the duck comes into the bar again and asks once more
“”do you got any grapes?””
the bartender gets outraged and says
“”if you ask me that again i’ll nail your feet to the floor!!””
so the duck comes in the next day and asks
“”doyou got any nails?””
the bartender says “”no”” so the duk asks
“”do ya got any grapes?””
“
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Huge problem
What is the biggest jewish delemma of all time? free ham.
Marry for Cash
It’s just to hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?””Probably that I married you for your money.”