AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the
mouse was packed in!
Author: admin
If she’s still ugly, have
If she’s still ugly, have another beer.
Sally was painting her living room one hot…
Sally was painting her living room one hot day.
“Why”, her friend asked her,
“are you wearing two jackets?”.
“Because,” said the blonde, “The directions
on the can said to put on two coats.”
You Might Be A Redneck…Bambi
You might be a redneck if ”Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit!
Naughty Dentist
This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says: “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”
The woman then says with anticipated agony, “Ooooohhhh, I’d rather have a baby!”
To which the dentist replies: “Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair.”
Barbie for Christmas
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas”?
The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe”.
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”
“No”, says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”
Bubble Blowing Duckiest
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for
trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge
called in duck number one and said, “What where you doing in the pond after
midnight?”
“I was blowing bubbles.” The judge then called in duck number two
and asked him the same question. “Judge, I was blowing bubbles.”
He then called in duck number three and said, “So let me quests � you were
blowing bubbles too?”
“No, I’m Bubbles.”
Asleep at the desk
If you get caught sleeping on the job, here’s some quick excuses!
It’s okay…I’m still billing the client.
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter, not harder.
“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”
“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
I’m in the management training program
Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”
Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broke….
Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!
It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?
I was cross-training for telecommuting.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
I thought you(boss) were gone for the day.
Access 97 – Magic Eight Ball
1. Open Access
2. Create a blank Database
3. Go to “Macros”
4. Click on “New”
5. Press space
6. Close the dialog box
7. Click “Yes”
8. Save as “Magic Eight Ball”
9. Go to “View, Toolbars, Customize” and check off macro design
10. Drag the macro to the second toolbar, and Voila!
Love monkey
what do you do if a monkey falls in love.
you have more sex and no talk.
Estaba Caperucita Roja pasando por
Estaba Caperucita Roja pasando por el campo cuando se le present� el lobo feroz y le dijo:
“Hola caperucita, ya yo se que vas donde tu abuelita, y que llevas manzanas y empanadas en tu canasta y tambi�n le llevas jugo de mango.”
Y responde Caperucita: �Y t� c�mo sabes eso?”
“Es que yo tengo una bola de cristal.”
“�Ay, pobrecito!”
The Top 18 Signs It’s Time for Your Rock Band to Retire
18> No longer able to “Rock and Roll All Night” without an entire case of Viagra.
17> Ever since Strom left the band for a career in politics, the sound just hasn’t been the same.
16> Your lead guitarist switches to Heroin P.M. so that those after-concert parties don’t keep him awake all night.
15> You’re still considered a hair band, but now it’s because of your ears and noses.
14> Instead of saying “Good night, Cleveland!” at the end of your set, you scream, “Honey! It’s time for my sponge bath!”
13> “I’m sorry, Mr. Hanson, but it seems you’ve hit puberty.”
12> Then: You freaked out on-stage because of the drugs you took.
Now: You freak out on-stage because of the drugs you *forgot* to take.
11> “Shooting up” didn’t used to involve an enema.
10> Old band logo: picture of giant red lips.
Current band logo: picture of giant sagging man-boobs.
9> Biting the head off a bat now requires corporate sponsorship from Super Poly-Grip.
8> The only people making bootleg tapes at your concerts are from the Smithsonian.
7> Your songs are blocked from Napster — not by your record company’s request, but because they suck.
6> Then: You instructed security to screen the crowd for sweet young things willing to put out for the band.
Now: You instruct security to screen the crowd for sweet young things who are willing to to pre-chew all those green M&M’s for the band.
5> You stop outdoor concerts to take a garden hose to the young hooligans who won’t get off the lawn.
4> The band refuses to make a video because they’re convinced that the cameras will steal their souls.
3> Bad: Your groupies drag their oxygen tanks to the stage to admire your alligator-skin pants.
Worse: You forgot to put on any pants.
2> Nowadays when your fans throw their panties on stage, it looks like the Fifth Airborne parachuting into Normandy.
1> The hot babe in the first row just lifted her skirt — to show you her breasts.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]