Looking for Love: “Heartthrob Fabio announced he is looking for his dream
woman,” says Jay Leno. “He says he wants someone who’s funny, secure,
independent and has a good personality. You know what’s really sad- the
one woman in Hollywood who fits those criteria is Ellen DeGeneres.”
Author: admin
The Spelling Test
Three people arrive at the gates of heaven and St. Peter greeted them.
“Welcome to Heaven. We have simplified the process of admission, and all you
need to do to get into Heaven is pass a simple test. Are you ready?”
The first person said, “I’ve prepared for this moment for 73 years.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “spell ‘God’.”
“G-O-D.”
“Very good, enter your eternal reward.”
“That was easier than I thought it would be,” the second person said, “I’ll
take my test now.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “spell ‘love’.”
“L-O-V-E.”
“Excellent, enter your eternal reward.”
The third person, a lawyer, said, “Boy, is this is gonna be a snap. Give me my
test.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “spell ‘prorhipidoglossomorpha’.”
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Q. What did Cinderella say
Q. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A. Cough, gag, choke, etc.
I’m The Boss
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
Two Dogs….
The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry… He felt different yet… couldn’t figure why… he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers… He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name…
The chief answered in his typically poetic way…”When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest… and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.”
Then, the boy said to the Chief… And how did my sister “Thundering Bird” get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird’s mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky…
The boy asked again, how his cousin “White Crouching Bear” had been given such a name… And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe…. White Bear’s mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby’s birth. Then he asked the boy…
“Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”
Insults 4
She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence!
She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet seat.
She thinks the rear-view mirror is for putting on make-up.
She was another one of his near Mrs.
She’s a lot like train tracks – she’s been laid across the country.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Baker’s First Law of Federal
Baker’s First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
Cake
Q: Did you know that there is a food out there that will stop a woman from wanting sex?
A: Its’ called “Wedding Cake”
Bar… Duckman
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, “May I help you, sir?”The duck says, “Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.”
Blonde Sex
Question: Why did the blonde have a briuse on her belly button?
Answer: She had a blond boyfriend.
One for the boys
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts the sentence with, `A man once told me…’How do you fix a woman’s watch?You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course… at least he’ll shut up after you’ve let him in.All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman who won’t do what she’s told.What do you call a woman with two brain cells?Pregnant.I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence? Divorced.Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent – wedding cake.