Author: admin

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems, known as “squawks,” submitted by
QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

You’re so ugly it makes your grandmother look hot.

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, “Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality.”

His dad says, “Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars.”

He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, “Dad, she said, ‘Yes!”.

“OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question.”

A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. “Dad, she said, ‘Yes!’ also!”

His dad told him, “There you go.”

His son looked at him, puzzled. “Dad I still don’t understand.”

” Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores.”

Un ni�o entra en una tienda y pide una hoja y le explica al dependiente que es para su padre, que quiere disfrazarse de Ad�n por carnaval y necesita la hoja para taparse.

El dependiente se la vende, pero el ni�o vuelve al poco rato:

“Perdone usted, pero… �me podria dar otra m�s grande? �sta no es suficiente.”

As� lo hace y el ni�o… vuelve al poco rato.

“Perdone las molestias, pero a�n no es suficentemente grande.”

El dependiente le da la m�s grande que tiene… pero a los quince minutos vuleve a tener al ni�o en la tienda.

“��A�n no es suficiente!?”

El ni�o dice no con la cabeza t�midamente. El dependiente, ya cabreado, coje una escalera, se sube a la palmera de la calle y corta una hoja y se la da al ni�o.

Pero… poco despu�s… el ni�o vuelve a la tienda. Y entonces el dependiente le dice:

“Mira ni�o, dile a tu padre que se ponga la polla en la boca, los huevos a la espalda y que se disfraze de buzo, �cojones!”

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry… He felt different yet… couldn’t figure why… he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers… He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name…

The chief answered in his typically poetic way…”When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest… and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.”

Then, the boy said to the Chief… And how did my sister “Thundering Bird” get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird’s mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky…

The boy asked again, how his cousin “White Crouching Bear” had been given such a name… And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe…. White Bear’s mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby’s birth. Then he asked the boy…

“Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”