A blonde went to a football game with her boyfriend.After the game the boyfriend turn to the blonde and ask her how she liked the game. The blonde responded by saying her like it a lot but she did not understand why the guys were fighting over a quarter. The boyfriend confused ask the blonde what she meet by that. The blonde explained that at the beginning of the game the guy in the black and white flipped a quarter. Then for the rest of the game the crowd keeped calling out get the quarterback.Get the Quartback!
Author: admin
Never do anything you wouldn’t
Never do anything you wouldn’t be caught dead doing.
How To Catch A Polar Bear
How do you catch a polar bear?
You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the
polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!
Intelligent Blondes
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Cool REAL Signs!
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
“Best Place in Town to take a Leak”
Sign over a gynecologist’s office
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a Plumbers truck:
“We repair what your husband tried to fix.”
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it”
At a laundry shop: “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?”
At a towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
On an electrician’s truck
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”
Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
Perfect Wife
No.1 said, “I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel”
No.2 replied, “How lucky for you. Mines still alive.”
Un hombre ve�a por la
Un hombre ve�a por la ventana a su peque�a hija hacer un hombre de nieve con un amiguito. Divertido por lo que ve�a, se acerc� y escuch� al ni�o decir: “Tengo una idea. Para terminarlo, ir� a la cocina por una zanahoria.”
Y su hijita respondi�, “Que sean dos. La segunda puede ser su nariz.”
Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems, known as “squawks,” submitted by
QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?A: Gennifer.
What the Year 2000 Could be Like
Your alarm clock rings on the first business day of the Year 2000, and you expect this day to be like any other. Always the worrywart, you’re staying off of airplanes and you pulled your cash out of the bank, plus the IT department at your company solved the millennium problem months ago. But if the public agencies in your area haven’t addressed the Year 2000 glitch, you could be in for a surprise. The following is, of course, an absolute worst-case scenario, but parts of it could be coming to town near you and are based on actual fears expressed by agencies across the U.S.:
7 a.m. You wake up and hop in the shower. You notice a funny smell. Obviously your local water agency’s treatment facility didn’t fix the millennium bug.
8 a.m. You head for the subway, only to find that Y2K snafus have halted trains for the day.
8:30 a.m. You return home to get your car and drive to work. Red lights are flashing at all of the intersections because the systems weren’t Year 2000-compliant.
9 a.m. Somebody runs one of the flashing red lights in front of you, crashing into another car. You get out to call 9-1-1, but the emergency system doesn’t work.
10 a.m. You finally get to work and have a meeting with partners in the new company you’re starting. Unfortunately, the state has lost its records on incorporated companies and cannot process your request.
Noon. You go to lunch. It’s your treat because your companion didn’t receive his social security check. You hold your breath while the restaurant runs your credit card – expiration date 9/00.
2 p.m. You head for the county hospital, where you’ve scheduled a minor surgery. Things are in disarray because medical devices have failed throughout the day.
4 p.m. The hospital, which has lost all of its appointments, finally admits you. An embedded chip in the elevator fails, and the assistants must drag you and your gurney up the stairs.
6 p.m. You drive to the state college to check the grade for a class you took last semester, the last of your pre-MBA requirements. Unfortunately it’s been lost, and there is no record of you ever having taken the class.
7 p.m. You go home to call a friend and complain about your day, but the telephone line is dead because the company hasn’t tackled the Year 2000 glitch.
But then again, maybe you won’t experience any of it. If your electric company isn’t Year 2000-compliant, you might sleep through your alarm.
Telemarketing
One thing that has always bugged me, and I’m sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing) Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but……
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for…..
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…
AT&T: (click)
Two Dogs….
The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry… He felt different yet… couldn’t figure why… he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers… He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name…
The chief answered in his typically poetic way…”When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest… and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.”
Then, the boy said to the Chief… And how did my sister “Thundering Bird” get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird’s mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky…
The boy asked again, how his cousin “White Crouching Bear” had been given such a name… And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe…. White Bear’s mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby’s birth. Then he asked the boy…
“Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”