Author: admin

Computer Definitions

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[Computer definitions courtesy of my father the software manager]

Alpha: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

Hardware: Collective term for any computer related object that can be kicked or battered.

CPU: Central Propulsion Unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, RAM, interface cards, and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is an old 486 and a ferret if it’s a Pentium.

RAM: Fuzzy creature with horns that likes to eat. The rodent is NOT a fitness buff. It’s running to get away from the bytes of the RAM.

Printer: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.

Input/output: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

User-friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device, or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Help: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Default Directory: Black hole. The default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting 6 months from it.

Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types – novice, intermediate, and expert.

Novice users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate users: People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert users: People who break other people’s computers.

Facts about Americans

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* Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

* 21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

* 85% of men don’t use the slit in their underwear.

* 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).

* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.

* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

* 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring’s homework.

* 91% of us lie regularly.

* 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

* 29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

* 90% believe in divine retribution.

* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

* 82% believe in an afterlife.

* 45% believe in ghosts.

* 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

* 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

* Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

* 35% give to charity at least once a month.

* How far would you go for $10 million?

25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion.

7% would murder.

* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

* 85% of us will eat Spam this year.

* 70% of us drink orange juice daily.

* Snickers is the most popular candy.

* 22% of us skip lunch daily.

* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.

* 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.

* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

* 45% use mouthwash every day.

* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

* The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

* Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.

* 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

* 62% of us pop our zits.

* 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)

* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

* 57% have had deja vu.

* 49% believe in ESP.

* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

* The average girl starts her period at age 12.

* 44% have broken a bone.

* Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

* 14% have attended a self-help meeting.

* 15% regularly go to a shrink.

* 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

* 23.5% admit they don’t always flush.

* 45.2% pee in the shower.

* 44.9% pee in the ocean.

* 28.1% pee in the pool.

* 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they’re sing the toilet.

* 39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

* 29% of us ignore RSVP.

* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

* 22% are functionally illiterate.

* Less than 10% are trilingual.

* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

* 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

* 2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.

* 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

* 40% of us have had music lessons.

* 44% reuse tinfoil.

* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

* 59% of us say we’re average-looking.

* Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

* 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.

* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the op`osite sex.

* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

* The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

* Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

* 6% propose over the phone.

* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

* 1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

* 25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

Snoring Problem

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A man and a woman had a dog. There dog slept with them, but the
dog had the problem of snoring extremely loud. The woman finally
got fed up and went to the vet to see if he could help.

The vet replied, “Tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles. It
will stop his snoring.

To that the woman replied, “Ha! Yeah right!

That night while the woman was trying to sleep, the dog’s
snoring became so nerve racking, that she rummaged through her
closet and finally found a red ribbon. She carefully tied it
around the dog’s testicles and almost immediatley, his snoring
stopped.

Satisfied, the woman went to bed. As she began to dose off she
heard her husband enter the bedroom from a night of drinking
with his friends.

The man climbed into bed and began to snore louder than the dog
had done. The, woman was thinking that maybe tying a ribbon
around the man’s testicles would fix his problem to.

Again, she rummaged through the closet until she came across a
blue ribbon. She tied it around the man’s testicles, and, like
the dog, he stopped snoring almost immediatley.

Now the woman went to bed happy.

The next morning the man woke up before the woman. He went to
the bathroom to take an early morning wizz. When the man dropped
his pants, he was shocked to see he had a blue ribbon around his
testicles! Then the dog walked in and the man noticed the red
ribbon around the dog’s testicles.

To this the man said, “I don’t know where we were or what we did
last night, but it looks like we got first and second place.”

Astro Girl

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Nasa is looking for a new way to boost it’s ratings. So they decide to send an ordinary woman into space. They place an add and are soon faced with three interviews. The first is a lovely looking woman with neat brown hair. They have only one question to ask which is: “If you could go to any planet, where would you go?” After a moment of thought the woman replies;”I would go to Mars.” “And why would you like to go there?” “I find it very interesting and would like to see if there really is life there.” The Nasa men are most impressed with this and promise to call her back and let her know their results. The next woman is a redhead with a very nice suit on. They ask her the same question to which she replies; “I would like to go to Saturn, so that I could see for myself what the rings look like.” The Nasa guys are happy with this answer and promise to call her back. The next is a blonde woman wearing a very short skirt and VERY revealing top. They ask her the same question and she gives it a lot of thought and replies; “I would like to go to the sun.” “But don’t you know you would burn to death if you went to the sun?” “Oh don’t be silly, I’d go at night.”

Intreview with General

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Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio
interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General
Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?

GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t
it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent
killers !

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but
you’re not one…… are you?

Un d�a un florista va

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Un d�a un florista va a la peluquer�a a cortarse el cabello. Despues del corte cuando va pagar el servicio que acaba de recibir, el peluquero le indica:

“Lo siento, no puedo aceptar dinero de usted, porque la corte me tiene haciendo un servicio comunitario.”

El florista muy feliz y agradecido sale de la barber�a. La siguiente ma�ana, cuando el peluquero abre su sal�n, encuentra una tarjeta de agradecimiento y una docena de rosas rojas esperando en la puerta.

Ese d�a un polic�a llega a cortarse el pelo y lo mismo, cuando va pagar, el peluquero le indica que la corte lo tiene haciendo un servicio comunitario y que no puede aceptar dinero de nadie por sus servicios.

El polic�a sale muy alegre de la peluquer�a. La siguiente ma�ana, cuando el peluquero llega a la barber�a encuentra un tarjeta de agradeciemiento y una docena de donas glaseadas.

Este d�a, llega un guatemalteco a cortarse el pelo y ciertamente ocurre la misma historia al intentar pagar el servicio, el barbero le indica que debido a que la corte lo tiene haciendo un servicio comunitario no puede aceptar dinero de nadie por cortarle el cabello.

El guatemalteco se va muy feliz de la peluquer�a. La siguiente ma�ana, cuando el barbero llega a su sal�n, qu� creen que encontr�?

…………………………
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�UNA DOCENA DE GUATEMALTECOS ESPERANDO CORTARSE EL PELO DE GRATIS!

Blind Date

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Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his
cousin.

Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never
seen before. “What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Bob, “I’ll be
with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” Alex says, “just go up to her door and meet her
first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned. If you don’t, just shout ‘Aaaaaauuuggghhh!’ and fake a
heart attack.”

That night Bob knocks at the girl’s door. When she comes out he
is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is. He’s about to speak
when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud
… “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

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When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.