what if you were fixing a bowl of cereal and when you took the first bite, it was PORKIN’ beans and cereal?What if your knees were coconuts?What if you opened up your backpack and there was an evil, bloody baby inside?What if you were eating a candy bar and it had PORKIN’ beans instead of peanuts?What if somebody stabbed you in your asshole with a used cake knife?What if a gross, hairy eyeball was crawling up your leg?What if you took a shower with a stinking, dead heart of an armadillo instead of soap?What if you were stuck in a small, pitch-black closet with a thousand nasty sewer rats, and they were crawling over your body, especially your knees, neck, and mouth?What if you were brushing your hair with a used tampon?What if you bit into an apple and it was filled with cottage cheese – small curd?What if you were ugly?What if you were having sex with a diseased billy goat?What if you took a bath in sweat from a woman named Bertha?What if you had fresh produce and this sweaty cashier with nastiness on his hands touched it?What if your skin was peanut brittle?What if your skin was stucco?What if your toes were penises?What if your gel deodorant was mayonnaise?What if your nuts were bleeding bile?What if your eyes were nipples?What if (you were a woman) you took off your maxi pad and it had boo boo in the front of it?What if someone put pepper in your cereal?What if GOD was one of us?
Author: admin
Five Bad Questions
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1 – “What are you thinking?”
2 – “Do you love me?”
3 – “Do I look fat?”
4 – “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 – “What would you do if I died?”
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 – “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – Football
b – Baseball
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of thinking.”
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 – “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear.”
Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c – That depends on what you mean by “love”.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?
3 – “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 – “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.
“No, of course not, dear” said the husband.
“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.
“Of course I do, dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.
“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes?”
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed.”
Merry Christmas
Q: What do you call three blondes sitting under a Christmas tree?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho!
6 months to live
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month’s to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his ‘house in order’ , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. ‘What will you do for the last six months?’ asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, ‘I think I’ll go and live with my Mother-in-law’. Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, ‘Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?’ ‘Because it’ll be the longest six months of my Life!’
Walking the Dog
A little girl asked her mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom says, “No, because the dog is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come talk to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.
Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, and there’s another dog pushing her home.”
Sales
A vampire walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a glass of blood. The bartender goes out and butcher’s a pig, get’s a glass of blood and serves it to the vampire. The vampire drinks it, pays his tab and then leaves.
Next night, vampire walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a glass of blood. The bartender goes out and butcher’s a pig, get’s a glass of blood and serves it to the vampire. The vampire drinks it, pays his tab and then leaves.
Third night vampire walks into the bar asks the bartender for a glass of water, Bartender says to the vampire “I’m sorry sir, I don;t mean to be rude but your a vampire correct.” Vampire answers yes, Bartender says “well, the last 2 nights you have came in here and asked fror a glass of blood. What makes you want a glass of blood tonight?”
Vampire pulls out a tamponand says “tea time”
Facts about Americans
* Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
* 21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don’t use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring’s homework.
* 91% of us lie regularly.
* 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
* 29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.
* 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
* Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* How far would you go for $10 million?
25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion.
7% would murder.
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
* 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
* 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* 45% use mouthwash every day.
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
* Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.
* 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 62% of us pop our zits.
* 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
* 57% have had deja vu.
* 49% believe in ESP.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 44% have broken a bone.
* Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
* 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
* 15% regularly go to a shrink.
* 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don’t always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they’re sing the toilet.
* 39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
* 22% are functionally illiterate.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
* 2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
* 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
* 40% of us have had music lessons.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
* 59% of us say we’re average-looking.
* Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the op`osite sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
* Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
* 25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to
care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”.
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth. When you’re not at
all.
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
Tooth and nail
Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail — because those are the only real body parts he has left. —Jay Leno
Q. How can you tell your wife is really…
Q. How can you tell your wife is really gross?
A. One day she doesn’t wear underwear and the dog pukes.
Trapezoid…
- Trapezoid
- A device for catching zoids.