A HOCKEY PUCK IS SHOT A HITS ME MOM DAD AND HITS THIS KID AND HE GOS HEY MAN I GO HEY WHAT HAPPENED HE GO O NUTS I GO WHAT HE GO U LIKE PUCKS IN UR NUTS.
Author: admin
Ice cream
An abulance driver was driving through a street when he notices a small boy chasing him. He turned the corner the boy was still there so he decided to slow down and see what the boy wanted….He asked the boy if he was alright and the boy reply one ice cream please
Fire in the house
There’s a fire in your house and all you have is a gun and a knife. What
do you do?
Shoot down the steps and cut around the corner.
Snoring Problem
A man and a woman had a dog. There dog slept with them, but the
dog had the problem of snoring extremely loud. The woman finally
got fed up and went to the vet to see if he could help.
The vet replied, “Tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles. It
will stop his snoring.
To that the woman replied, “Ha! Yeah right!
That night while the woman was trying to sleep, the dog’s
snoring became so nerve racking, that she rummaged through her
closet and finally found a red ribbon. She carefully tied it
around the dog’s testicles and almost immediatley, his snoring
stopped.
Satisfied, the woman went to bed. As she began to dose off she
heard her husband enter the bedroom from a night of drinking
with his friends.
The man climbed into bed and began to snore louder than the dog
had done. The, woman was thinking that maybe tying a ribbon
around the man’s testicles would fix his problem to.
Again, she rummaged through the closet until she came across a
blue ribbon. She tied it around the man’s testicles, and, like
the dog, he stopped snoring almost immediatley.
Now the woman went to bed happy.
The next morning the man woke up before the woman. He went to
the bathroom to take an early morning wizz. When the man dropped
his pants, he was shocked to see he had a blue ribbon around his
testicles! Then the dog walked in and the man noticed the red
ribbon around the dog’s testicles.
To this the man said, “I don’t know where we were or what we did
last night, but it looks like we got first and second place.”
What if?…
what if you were fixing a bowl of cereal and when you took the first bite, it was PORKIN’ beans and cereal?What if your knees were coconuts?What if you opened up your backpack and there was an evil, bloody baby inside?What if you were eating a candy bar and it had PORKIN’ beans instead of peanuts?What if somebody stabbed you in your asshole with a used cake knife?What if a gross, hairy eyeball was crawling up your leg?What if you took a shower with a stinking, dead heart of an armadillo instead of soap?What if you were stuck in a small, pitch-black closet with a thousand nasty sewer rats, and they were crawling over your body, especially your knees, neck, and mouth?What if you were brushing your hair with a used tampon?What if you bit into an apple and it was filled with cottage cheese – small curd?What if you were ugly?What if you were having sex with a diseased billy goat?What if you took a bath in sweat from a woman named Bertha?What if you had fresh produce and this sweaty cashier with nastiness on his hands touched it?What if your skin was peanut brittle?What if your skin was stucco?What if your toes were penises?What if your gel deodorant was mayonnaise?What if your nuts were bleeding bile?What if your eyes were nipples?What if (you were a woman) you took off your maxi pad and it had boo boo in the front of it?What if someone put pepper in your cereal?What if GOD was one of us?
5 spot in a bar
This five dollar bill walks into a bar and gets stopped by the guard.”Hey, what’s your problem?” the five says.”Get out of here!” says the guard.”But why?””This is a singles bar!”–Submitted by: Jennie
Sex addict
This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me, I just can’t stop having sex!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks?
“Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife�
� TWICE a day”, he answers back. “That’s not so much”, says the doctor.
“Yes, but that�s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary�.
�TWICE a day!!! Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that�s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute�.
“Well, that’s definitely too much”, says the doctor. “You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do”, says the man. “Twice a day.”
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to
care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”.
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth. When you’re not at
all.
Astro Girl
Nasa is looking for a new way to boost it’s ratings. So they decide to send an ordinary woman into space. They place an add and are soon faced with three interviews. The first is a lovely looking woman with neat brown hair. They have only one question to ask which is: “If you could go to any planet, where would you go?” After a moment of thought the woman replies;”I would go to Mars.” “And why would you like to go there?” “I find it very interesting and would like to see if there really is life there.” The Nasa men are most impressed with this and promise to call her back and let her know their results. The next woman is a redhead with a very nice suit on. They ask her the same question to which she replies; “I would like to go to Saturn, so that I could see for myself what the rings look like.” The Nasa guys are happy with this answer and promise to call her back. The next is a blonde woman wearing a very short skirt and VERY revealing top. They ask her the same question and she gives it a lot of thought and replies; “I would like to go to the sun.” “But don’t you know you would burn to death if you went to the sun?” “Oh don’t be silly, I’d go at night.”
Having a wife
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked,
“Johnny what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side.
I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Calamjo
Shipwrecked!
A beachcomber of twenty-five had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she’d been washed ashore from another shipwreck just that morning. After they got over their initial surprise at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he’d been alone on this barren bit of land.”Almost twenty years,” he said.”Twenty years!” she exclaimed.”But how ever did you survive?” “Oh, I fish, dig for clams and gather berries and coconuts,” he replied.”And what do you do for sex?” she asked.”What’s that?” He looked puzzled. Whereupon the bold maiden pulled the innocent beachcomber down onto the sand beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it. “Great!” was the reply.”But look what it did to my clam digger!”
Yo Mama
Yo Mama so stupid that when the computer said press “any key” to continue, she couldnt find “any key