Knock KnockWho’s there?Felix!Felix who?Felix my ice cream, I’ll lick his!
Author: admin
Unas manzanitas se encontraban en
Unas manzanitas se encontraban en el �rbol colgadas en plena sesi�n de chismes, cuando de pronto se escuch� caer una manzanita al suelo. Todas guardaron silencio por un momento, pero despu�s se empezaron a carcajear de la manzanita ca�da.
De pronto la manzanita que hab�a caido se voltea, las mira y les dice:
“�BOLA DE INMADURAS!”
Indian Predictions
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.”The next day there was a hailstorm. “This Indian is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for a week.Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “My radio is broken.”Submitted By: Julia
The President’s Speech
The president of a certain country went to the interior of that country where
there was no electricity, poor roads, and no form of telecommunication, to give
his campaign speech. The people spoke a different dialect to the native one.
“We, the ruling party,” said the president, “promise to provide electricity
for the entire district.”
Upon hearing the president’s words, the people cheered, “Fombre!”
The president continued, “Not only will we provide electricity to the
community, but we will also be installing telephones and telephone lines, and
this will commence shortly.”
Again, shrieks of “Fombre” was heard, as the president anxiously awaited the
resumption of his speech.
“We have given careful thought to the repair of the roadways so as to
facilitate better means of transportation and have allotted sufficient finances
for the successful execution of this venture.”
Shouts of “Fombre!” filled the air, as the president continued to lay it down
with his words.
After the speech, the president, with a content grin on his face, walked
through the grassy terrain with his bodyguards, his interpreter, and a few of
the officials.
One of the officials, seeing a pile of horse’s dung in front of the president,
cried out, “Mr. President, don’t step on that! That’s Fombre!”
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission….
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Young Pregnant Bride
An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he
boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and
having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell
you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never
missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was
in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of
him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?” the doctor
queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must
have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.
A blonde is walking down the street…
A blond her friend were walking in a dark basement looking for something. All of a sudden the blond yells stop. Her friend asks whyThe blond said, “Something just rubbed up against my left leg!” Then a moment later said, “oh never mind, it was just my right leg.”
It’s Against the Law to…
In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they’re nude.(Apparently, if you wear socks, you’re safe from the law!)
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer!
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can’t go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job — for men only — called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”
It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you’re a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can’t parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t!”
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.
In Las Vegas, Nevada: It’s against the law to pawn your dentures.
In Natoma, Kansas; It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.
Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you’re 88 years of age or older, it’s illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.
In Vermont: It’s against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.
In Alabama: It’s illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
In Barber, North Carolina: It’s illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).
In Clawson City, Michigan: It’s illegal to sleep with chickens.
A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.
In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.
The U.S. government says it’s a crime to give false weather reports.
In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.
You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.
In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband’s pockets while he is sleeping.
There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.
In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.
Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.
In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.
Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.
On the books in Tennessee:
In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor…and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.
In Newport: It’s against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.
In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.
In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.
In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!
It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.
It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.
That’s some salesman!
A traveling salesman was driving down a country road, when a
rabbit
ran in front of his car and he hit it. The proverbial farmer was
sitting on the fence watching. The salesman got out of his car
and
opened the trunk. He then removed an aerosol can and sprayed the
contents on the dead rabbit.
The next thing you know, the rabbit got up and hopped about 20
feet
down the road, turned and waved to the salesman, went another 20
feet,
and waved to the salesman again.
The salesman looked at the farmer and said “He’ll be okay now.”
The
salesman got into his car and left.
The farmer, wondering what was going on, walked over to the ditch
where the salesman threw the can, and picked it up and read the
label.
It said, “FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE.”
Bribe and Groom
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer:
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you
get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking
all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave
that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the
groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then
leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a
better offer.”
Q: How many Argentinians
Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Nine thousand-after all, it’s *their* light bulb.
A Child’s View of Retirement
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holidays. One small boy wrote the following…
” We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to
live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all
live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all
wear nametags because they don’t know whom they are. They go to a big building
called a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it’s
all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them
very good.”
“There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with
their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.”
As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in
it. He watches all day so they can’t get out without him seeing them. When they
can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are
dollars.”
“My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody
cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some
of the people are so retarded that they don’t know how to cook at all, so my
Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it ‘pot
luck’.”
“My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I
wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse
won’t let them out.