My wife telephoned me because she couldn�t get the car started.”I think there’s water in the carburettor, she say�s””Dear, I say� if you know there�s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?” “Well it�s like this.” She said� �I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.�
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Three hours of fighting
George was describing a 30 pound Bass he’d caught recently after fighting it
for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you took
of that fish. You’re lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.”
George replied, “Well… a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three
hours of fighting.”
what
whats another word for fag?
Matthew Burciaga
Clinton one-liner
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.
Homeless Girl
An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, “Please don’t call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don’t, I’ll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!”
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.
“I’m sorry, young lady…but it’s no use,” he gasped. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to call the police after all.”
Blonde quickies 221-230
221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do…
222. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said “DISNEYLAND LEFT”. After thinking for a minute, she said to herself “oh well !” and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES”. By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, “Awww, look at the dead birdie”. The blonde stops, looks up, and says, “Where?”
226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, “Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would’ve hit me right in the face!!!” Or: “Good thing that cows don’t fly.”
227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she’d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad ’cause all the people were leaving.
228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. “Miss, may I see your driver’s licence please?”
“Driver’s licence? What’s that?…” “It’s a little card with your picture on it.”
“Oh, duh! Here it is…” “May I have your car insurance?”
“What’s that?…” “It’s a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.”
“Oh this? Duh! Here you go…” The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: “Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!”
229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to “iron”, then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Pushing it!
Q: Why do so many Polish navy personnel drown?
A: Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push!
Meow-sic
Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
A: It’s meow-sic to their ears!
Jesus
a thief had got into a house and was about to steal the money when someone said jesus is watching u he turned around 2 go when he thought dat he might as well take the money and he was about 2 take the money when again the voice said jesus is watching u he turned on the light and there was a parrot the thief asked the parrot what his name was the parrot said robert the thief said who was so dum 2 name u dat? the parrot said the same 1 who was watching u all the time the thief turned around 2 see a dog(jesus)
That’s some salesman!
A traveling salesman was driving down a country road, when a
rabbit
ran in front of his car and he hit it. The proverbial farmer was
sitting on the fence watching. The salesman got out of his car
and
opened the trunk. He then removed an aerosol can and sprayed the
contents on the dead rabbit.
The next thing you know, the rabbit got up and hopped about 20
feet
down the road, turned and waved to the salesman, went another 20
feet,
and waved to the salesman again.
The salesman looked at the farmer and said “He’ll be okay now.”
The
salesman got into his car and left.
The farmer, wondering what was going on, walked over to the ditch
where the salesman threw the can, and picked it up and read the
label.
It said, “FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE.”
3 Ring circus
Marriage is a 3 ring circus…..
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and Suffering.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission….
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.