A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like
this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
“We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
“I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife’s golf ball — stuck right in the middle of the cow’s
butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks
like yours!'”
Author: admin
Family Stress Test
To score, enter the number that is most appropriate for each question:
0 – if the statement is never true
1 – if it is rarely true
2 – if it is sometimes true
3 – if it is always true.
1. ___ Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk.”
2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ The cat is on Valium.
4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
7. ___ No one has time to *wait* for microwaved food.
8. ___ “Family meetings” are often mediated by local law enforcement officials.
9. ___ You have to check your kids’ day-timers to see if they *can* take out the garbage.
10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.
How you rate:
30 – A perfect score! Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up a bit.
10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?
Ferrari Hires Liverpool Lads as Pit Crew
The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole Pit-Crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was made after Ferrari F1 team boss Ross Brawn saw a BBC documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 sec without proper equipment.
This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days & Ferrari would have an advantage.
However Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tyres in under 4 seconds but within 10 seconds they had resprayed & re-numbered the car, and sold it to the McLaren team.
Some Inappropriate Gay Jokes
What’s the difference between a Catholic Church and a gay church?Every other person is kneeling.Why do Canadians do it doggy style?So they can both watch the hockey game.What did they call the gay Indian.Brave Sucker
Q: How many C
Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, they forgot to declare it first.
You Mama’s So Hairy…
Yo mama’s so hairy…
– Yo mama’s so hairy, they filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower.
– Yo mama’s so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.
– Yo mama’s so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.
– Yo mama’s so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
– Yo mama’s so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.
– Yo mama’s so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.
– Yo mama’s so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
– Yo mama’s so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
– Yo mama’s so hairy, when she spreads her legs ,the first thing that comes to my mind is “We’re going to Bush Gardens.”
Wendy
There’s this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy Jack loves Wendy a lot.
To prove how much he loves her, he gets ‘Wendy’ tattooed on his penis. When it’s erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads ‘Wy’.
So, when she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
He pops the question and she accepts. They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon.
Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach.
They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar.
He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eyes wander and end up embarrassing himself.
He orders a drink from the Jamaican guy at the bar, who is also naked.
He is surprised to note that the bartender also has ‘Wy’ tattooed on his penis!
Jack says to the guy, ‘Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named “Wendy” and her name is tattooed on your penis, too?’
The bartender looks slowly down at Jack, back to his and starts
laughing.
Flashing a wide grin, he says, ‘No, mon. Mine says, “Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.”‘
In the Bible
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
“It’s o.k.,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”
So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – “The hat check girl puts out!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Sex Trouble
Chrissy and Johnny are unhappy about their sex life because that
spark is gone. So they decided to go to this renowned French sex
doctor. When sitting in the doctors office he tells them, “I am
going to have to do a full body examination of the two of you
and depending on the outcome of the exam I’ll perscribe
something for you.” The couple agree to do this. The doctor then
takes Chrissy for the exam and checks her out from tip to toe
and writes some notes down. The doctor then does the same for
Johnny. When seated back in the office the doc tells them he can
help. So he says “Sir on your way home from work tomorrow I want
you to buy a punnet of strawberries, and mam I want you to buy a
box of doughnuts. Then when you get home I want you both to sit
on the floor naked. Mam your legs must be open, and sir you must
roll the strawberries at your wifes love hole like a tiger, then
mam you must make your husband sit at the other side of the room
with an erection and through the dounghnuts on his penis.” The
couple look at each other and think this guy is mad, but they
had nothing to loose, so they tried it, and had the most amazing
sex ever.
The next night they went to a function and told some friends of
the doctor and how he had helped them. So this other couple went
to the doctor, who told them about the exam and depending on
that he would try help them. After the exam sitting in the
office, the doctor said he couldn’t help them. The couple were
dissapointed so they begged him to help them, their freinds were
so happy now. So the doctor said ok. “Sir on your way home
tomorrow I want you to buy a bag of apples, and mam, on your way
home tomorrow I want you to buy a box of fruitloops!”
Quick Joke
What has four legs but no ears?
Mike Tyson’s dog.
The Top 16 Cities Named by Potheads
16> Cannabismark, ND
15> Tallahashish, FL
14> Roachanoke, VA
13> Browniesville, TX
12> Toke-Yo, Japan
11> Stashville, TN
10> Sacremellow, CA
9> San Anstonio, TX
8> DudeYouJustTotallyJustThrewUpInMyHairrisburg, PA
7> Bong Kong, China
6> Galvistoned, TX
5> Whoamaha, NE
4> Wreckedjavik, Iceland
3> Munchie, IN
2> Hemphis, TN
1> Dorito, Ohigho
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Thermometers
Q: What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
A: The taste!