Yours Fun Portal !
Tina and Kelly were sitting home on a Saturday evening.
Tina is known for her wit in cracking jokes.
She tells Kelly that she looked liked a french poodle.
Kelly “replies” you have the audacity to say I look like a french poodle when you look like over processed meat.
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, “How many folk here believe in
ghosts?”
About 80 students raise their hands. “That’s a good start,” says the
professor, “For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever
seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good,” continues the professor, “I’m really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here
ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.
“Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further…
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?”
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and
says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed
that.
You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The
redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have made love to a
ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!? Dang it!… I thought you said ‘goats.’
Terminology:
Shotgun – The rightmost front passenger seat in a vehicle, a prime choice for any passenger, since it is the most comfortable seat, and also because of the psychological advantage of not being forced to subserviently look at the back of another person’s head during a trip.
Enthronement – The physical presence of a person in the Shotgun position.
By Laws:
Vehicle Ownership
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The owner of a vehicle, if he/she isn’t driving, always gets Shotgun in that vehicle. It is their car, it is their seat and they get it. This is a real bonus for an owner who is falling down drunk. They can rest assured Shotgun is rightfully theirs. They won’t have to worry about concentrating through an alcohol-induced haze simply to remember to call Shotgun in their own hard-earned car. Once proper Shotgun “enthronement” rights have been established, they may also be surrendered. If the owner of the vehicle is eligible for Shotgun, but wants to sleep it off in the back seat, then they may give up Shotgun to a person of their choice. The vehicle owner is also the ultimate judge in any Shotgun disputes. Their word is law, and all passengers must defer to the owner’s interpretation of Shotgun law. Arbitration should be swift and final, so that everyone can be on their way. If the owner is going to stray from the Shotgun Constitution, they must have a good reason for doing so. If the owner is not eligible for Shotgun, any passenger can call Shotgun, but only under the proper conditions.
Legal Conditions for Calling Shotgun
————————————
Shotgun can only be called when the driver is enroute to the vehicle for the purpose of driving immediately, and the Shotgun position is vacant. Shotgun cannot be called upon arrival, only upon departure. For example, a group of travelers may arrive at a restaurant and get out of the car for a meal. Some bone-head might try calling Shotgun immediately for the subsequent ride home, but that is not appropriate. If this kind of precedent were allowed, it would let anyone call Shotgun “futures” for potential rides into eternity. Only after finishing the meal, when the driver picks up the car keys, is a Shotgun call allowed. Jingling keys is a very strong sign of an Enroute condition. If the driver says “lets go” that also can be reasonably construed as Enroute. Most Enroute conditions mean that driving will take place within a few minutes, but not always. If the driver of a car turns around on a three hour trail ride, and says “lets go home,” then an enroute condition exists and Shotgun may be called immediately.
Forcible Dethronement (a.k.a. Physical Challenge)
————————————————-
There are some people in this world that always remember to call Shotgun. Although this is an admirable trait at first, it quickly grows old. These people tend to be real weenies, and if they knew better, would sometimes let someone else call shotgun just to be a little more diplomatic. The purpose of the Shotgun Constitution is to provide for a peaceful, fair method of getting to ride Shotgun. Unfortunately, if an introverted nerd consistently calls Shotgun ad nauseum, there must be accommodations for that person to be forcibly removed from the seat. Thus the Forcible Dethronement policy. This allows one other passenger (usually larger in stature) to declare “Physical Challenge!” and pull, push or otherwise eject the previous Shotgun participant from the seat. Although frowned upon if used regularly, this physical challenge is a legitimate means of wresting Shotgun control away from the legal party. Any physical tactics short of grievous bodily injury are employable.
The Dick Clause
—————
Though not a formal by-law of the Constitution, the Dick Clause is a necessary refinement in semantics. Just because the driver’s girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, whoever happens to be in the car, that Significant Other does not get Shotgun by default. Anyone else can legally call Shotgun and force the Significant Other to ride in the back. But then of course that would mean that person is a Dick.
Post-amble
———-
I first drafted the Shotgun Constitution in 1990 while attending Embry-Riddle University in Florida. The Constitution was widely distributed via fax, and steered many young passengers towards a more democratic form of ridership. It is time to resurrect this living document, and to let a new generation of passengers rightfully call SHOTGUN.
If there is any new case law I should be aware of for the Shotgun Constitution, please e-mail me at: [email protected]. I will conduct a judicial review of your case and see whether it merits an amendment to the Constitution.
Never leave hold of what you’ve got until you’ve got hold of something else.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
1. They tried to kill us.
2. We won.
3. Let’s eat.
Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, they forgot to declare it first.
Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party’s sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever.
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.” “Yes, sir,” the boys said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “‘It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”
There’s this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy Jack loves Wendy a lot.
To prove how much he loves her, he gets ‘Wendy’ tattooed on his penis. When it’s erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads ‘Wy’.
So, when she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
He pops the question and she accepts. They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon.
Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach.
They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar.
He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eyes wander and end up embarrassing himself.
He orders a drink from the Jamaican guy at the bar, who is also naked.
He is surprised to note that the bartender also has ‘Wy’ tattooed on his penis!
Jack says to the guy, ‘Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named “Wendy” and her name is tattooed on your penis, too?’
The bartender looks slowly down at Jack, back to his and starts
laughing.
Flashing a wide grin, he says, ‘No, mon. Mine says, “Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.”‘
A good ol’ boy walked over to a good looking girl in a bar and said “Howdy! How’d y’all liie to come on over to my house and we can have a real good time?”
“I’m not too sure,” she replied, “where exactly are you from?”
“I’m from Kentucky, way up in the hills.”
“Oh, I’ve heard about you guys from Kentucky,” she said, “you guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens…”
He replied in a very indignant tone, “CHICKENS?!”