Author: admin

Genuine letters sent to Landlords

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The following are genuine letters sent to landlords…

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.

3. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do i stand

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.

6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
something about it.

7. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

9. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

10. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

11. Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.

12. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to
finish the job and keep my wife happy.

13. Will you please send someone to mend my downspout. i am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.

14. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and its very uncomfortable for us.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

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10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.8. Apparently, your flame war with [email protected] is about to turn ugly.7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”This document copyright � 1999 by Chris White.

Elevator Ride

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A small guy gets into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Ben Hoover.”

The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, “what’s wrong with you?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Ben Hoover”

The small guy says ,”Thank God! I thought you said ‘Bend Over.'”

I believe for every drop

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I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

School bus driver

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This retarded kid is starting his first day of school. He walks down to the bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school.

The bus eventually drives up and opens the door. “Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver” he says in a slurred voice.

Then the bus door closes and drives off without picking him up. He went back home, told his parents and figured he would try again.

The next morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and opened the door.

In a slurred voice the boy says ,”Hello Mr Busdriver!” To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off.

The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were majorly pissed off.

The next morning, they came down with the boy to the bus stop to talk to the driver.

The bus came past and the door opened. The father of the boy asks, “My boy needs to go to school each morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come?”

The bus driver says in a slurred voice, “He keeps making fun of me!”

Un d�a se muere un

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Un d�a se muere un tipo y se encuentra en el infierno. Mientras tiritaba de desesperaci�n tuvo su primer encuentro con el diablo:

“�Qu� te pasa, cabr�n?”, le cuestiona el diablo.

“�Qu� te parece? �Estoy en el infierno!”

“No est� tan mal. Actualmente tenemos un mont�n de diversi�n aqu�. �Te gusta beber?”

“Seguro, amo el alcohol”.

“Bueno, vas a amar los lunes entonces. Los lunes todo lo que hacemos es beber whisky, tequila, vino… bebemos hasta que reventamos y luego bebemos un poquito m�s”.

“Je, je, suena grandioso”.

“�Eres fumador?”

“M�s de lo que crees”.

“�Perfecto, vas a amar los martes! Conseguimos los cigarros m�s finos de todo el mundo y fumamos hasta que vomitamos los pulmones. Si te agarras c�ncer, no hay problema: ya est�s muerto”.

“�Guau!”

“Apuesto a que te gusta el juego.”

“S�, en realidad, s�”.

“Bien, porque los mi�rcoles es el d�a del juego: ruleta, black jack, carreras de caballos; lo que quieras. Hasta hemos abierto una mesa de strip-poker”.

“�Mierda, nunca antes hab�a jugado strip-poker!”

“Bueno, ahora puedes. �Te gustan las drogas?”

“S�, amo las drogas. No querr�s decir qu�…?”

“�Exacto! Los jueves es el d�a de las drogas. Puedes meter tu cabeza en un bol de crack. Fumar un porro del tama�o de un submarino. Puedes hacer lo que quieras con las drogas y si se te va la mano con la dosis, est� todo bien: ya est�s muerto.

“�Carajo, nunca imagin� que el infierno fuera un lugar con tanta onda!”

“�Eres gay?”

“�Oh, no!”

“Uf, vas a odiar los viernes”.

y guy cheerleaders are not gay!!!

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many guyz will not become a cheerleader for fear that they will
be called gay. this i dont under stand beacause there are many
things that would not make them look gay. i am going to list
some of the reasons that cheerleading guyz should not be
considered gay.

1.your surrounded by 15-25 girls everyday.

2.if your flyer (which is usually a girl) falls theres no
telling were your hands catch her.

3. many stunts (if u are a back spotter)require placing ur hands
on the flyers ass to push her up into the air.

4. a chair reqires u to put your hands between the girls legs.

5. there is no laying on other boyz (like in wrestling).

6. girls cant get mad at u for catching them in a bad spot if
they fall out of a stunt.

the #1 reason boys in cheerleading r not gay is:
7. at cheerleading camp you have to leep there n your sleeping
in the same bunk as 15-25 girls. there mite not be enough beds
u mite have to share w/ sumone.

Your Clock’s Spinning

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A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?” The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights – the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”

St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.” The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s President Clinton’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan.”