Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who’d land first?A: Who cares!
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Computers are male
10 Reasons why computers are male.
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
She’s a Man
A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most
gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman’s
beauty and comments about her to his mates.
“Yeah, she is pretty good.” his mate replies, “Pity she’s a man.”
The man is shocked, “No way!”
“No, it’s true. A friend of mine knows her personally.”
The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman is in fact a man.
But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going
to find out what sex he/she really is.
So the man goes up to the “woman” and strikes up a converstaion. They hit
it off really well. And the man is loving it because this woman is even
better looking up close. Before long the man suggests that he drives them
out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.
They drive to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the
car. They continue the “clothes on” making out for a while, until the
woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call
of nature.
“This is my chance,” thinks the man, “I’ll follow her and find out what
sex she is.” So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is
seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling
between her legs.
“Damn! She’s got a dick!” he thinks, “She’s a man.” The man is outraged
and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.
“Oh my gosh!” The woman cries, “I didn’t know you were following me!”
“And I didn’t know you were taking a shit!” The man replies.
One day Jim complained to
One day Jim complained to his friend, “My elbow really
hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered. “Don’t do that.
There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor.” Simply put in a sample of your urine
and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you
can do about it. It only cost $10.”
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arms in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this
machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the
machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again
made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.
Why I Never Married
Tired of being asked why she never married, an elderly spinster concocted a response that usually shut people up.”I have a fireplace that smokes, a washing machine that won’t work, a cat that stays out all night, a dog that barks at me, and a kitchen sink that smells bad. Why do I need a husband?”
The Smart Dog
Some rednecks were sitting around talking about how smart their dogs were. One redneck spoke up and said, “I’ll tell you what boys, I house trained my hound dog Jake when he was just a pup. When he pooped on the floor, I would stick his nose in it and throw him out the door.””Now,” he continued, “when he poops on the floor, he sticks his own nose in it and jumps out the window.”
Paco abre un restaurante en
Paco abre un restaurante en la autopista y su amigo Pepe le dice:
“Paco, pon un cartel en el camino para atraer a los clientes.”
Un mes despu�s Pepe pasa por la autopista y no ve ning�n cartel, pasa el restaurante y piensa que Paco se arrepinti� de la colocaci�n del cartel.
Unos 10 minutos depu�s encuentra un cartel luminoso que dice:
“Restaurante. Retroceda 5 Km.”
Bowling ball
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can’t fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
We take you now to the Oval Office
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then
get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send
some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the
Middle East?
Building site helper
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing �5. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I worked all last week with a crew building a house.”
“My goodness gracious,” said the clerk, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those useless bastards at B & Q ever bring us the f*cking plasterboard!”
Submitted by Gravedigger
Editted by Curtis
Aussie Talk Back
The radio show was Queensland FM (QFM) and the host was Jim. The phone-in competition was to give an English word that’s not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles. The show went as follows (don’t forget the Aussie accent): Jim: ‘Hi, this is Jim. What’s your name and what’s your word’ Caller: ‘This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n. ‘Jim: ‘Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.’ Bob from the bush: ‘Gaan f*** yourself!’ Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: ‘Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language.’ Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later… Jim: ‘Hi, this is Jim at QFM. What’s your name and what’s your word.’ Caller: ‘This is Steve from Caloundra and my word is smee, spelt s. m. e. e. ‘ Jim: ‘Thanks Steve, we’re just checking… and… yes, smee does not appear in the Oxford Dictionary. Now for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.’ Steve: ‘Smee again, gaan f*** yourself!’
Blonde Destroyer
What is a blonde’s definition of a naval destroyer. A hula hoop with a nail in it.