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How to Avoid The Flu

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Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. –

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR … You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.

Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

SO … I walk to the liquor store (exercise),

I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress), then pass out (rest).

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!!!

Mommy Almost Died

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Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,

“I’m afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy.”

“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?”
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Piddles’
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven.”

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles’ death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this
morning.”

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”

“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it
hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy”.

The Blue Eye

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One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!””Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.” A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. ”Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman.”Do you know anything about this at all?””No, constable”, said the man.”Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”

Doctor’s Funnies

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Doctor’s stories-You can’t make this stuff up. (Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction!)

A man comes into the ER and yells “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!

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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.

“Now both,” I requested.

There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with BOTH his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam

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And of course, the best is saved for last…. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly!”

Things Woman and Men Would Never Say

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The Last Thing you would ever hear a woman say…..

1. Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just
being friends.

2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it’s easier for me to douche
that way.

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

5. Please don’t throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the
armpit are just too cute.

6. This diamond is way too big.

7. I won’t even put my lips on that thing unless I get to
swallow.

8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!

9. Does this make my butt look too small?

10. I’m wrong, you must be right again.

11. I think belching is really sexy.

12. Sure, I’d love for us to have three-way sex with my best
friend.

13. Why don’t you go out with your friends to see the strippers
tonight?

14. I could never be with any other man, but I don’t mind at all
if you see other women.

15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.

16. I love a good cigar after sex.

17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old
bass boat.

18. Move over, I’m driving. I love city traffic.

19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let’s do it on the
workbench.

20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up
chick. I wish I could meet her one day.

21. It’s so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.

22. Let’s skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the
Tyson fight at a bar.

23. Hey, we didn’t have sex last night!

24. That shirt doesn’t smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it
again today.

25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them
all day.

26. I understand.

27. You don’t swear enough.

28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.

29. Let’s stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It’s
cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.

30. Don’t fix the toilet, I’ll just keep going in the bushes
outside.

31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding.
They go with anything.

32. I think I’ll call him up and ask him out.

33. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn’t make
that girl a slut! She’s just really friendly.

34. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.

35. Don’t dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.

36. Oh yeah, any hole you want.

The Last Thing you would ever hear a man say……

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.

2. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. Her tits are just too big.

5. Sometimes I just want to be held.

6. That chick on “Murder, She Wrote” gives me a woody.

7. Sure I’d love to wear a condom.

8. We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I
can hold your purse.

9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let’s watch Murphy Brown.

10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for
directions.

11. Hey look, there’s a wool and fabric shop! Let’s go buy
something.

12. Honey, I’m going to the store, do you need more tampons?

13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?

14. Do these jeans come in lavender?

15. I love jogging dear, but I can’t keep up with you. You go on
ahead.

16. This shower curtain doesn’t have enough frills on it.

17. Damn, too bad this car isn’t a four cylinder.

18. My butt’s too big, don’t lie, it’s true. My butt’s too big.

19. It’s OK, I’ll sleep in the wet spot.

20. I know you just blew me but I need a kiss.

21. I’m sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

22. Great, your mother’s coming to stay with us again.

23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she’s getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her.

24. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It’s my turn.

25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don’t
look at them any more.

26. I understand.

27. This movie has too much nudity.

28. Damn, we’re late for church!

29. No, I don’t want to see your sister’s tits.

30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

31. Over-sized t-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat
chicks.

32. Slow down, you move too fast. You’ve got to make the morning
last.

33. Put some panties on for Christ’s sake!

34. It’s late. Put your clothes back on and I’ll take you home.

35. No I don’t want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.

36. Hey, watermelon bathroom air-freshener pot-pourri. Let’s get
some!