Do you know what the height of hard upfullness is?
Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!
Author: admin
Did you scratch the car?
Somewhere in America this week the following conversation is taking place:
Dad – Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son – What’s up, Dad?
D- There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
S- I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”, that
I can say, truthfully, and that I scratched the car.
D- Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no
one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
S- Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car.
While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the
mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out
to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did
you scratch the car?
S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you
see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I stand by my earlier
statement, that I did not scratch the car.
D- Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox?
S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I
mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the
mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
S- No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my original
statement that I did not scratch the car.
D- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result
of this contact?
S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
S- No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch the car?”.
From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I
did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the
scratching occurred. So my answer of No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car”
was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
D- Son, you are such a slick talker you’re either gonna wind up as a lawyer or
President….
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.137. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”
Your mummus
your mummas so old she sat next to jesus in the 3rd grade
Divorce Time
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me get a divorce.The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.””What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?””No,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”
Fathers wisdom
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”
“No! There’s no one called Alf here,” says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time.
“No-there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says.
His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation.”
“Then what’s frustration?” asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually.
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis
The Twelve Days
The Twelve Days After Christmas
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup [peop100078_x51.WMF (46812 bytes)]
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn’t lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think there’s a ”my true love gave to me” in here somewhere)
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming – well, actually I kept one of the
drummers –
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
”We are through, love!”
And I said in so many words
”Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!”
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!”
you mama is so black she jump in the ocean…
you mama is so black she jump in the ocean and the fishes said oil spill
Scoring Points
Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from “The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score” from Men’s Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:
Simple Duties
————-
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners But retur You check out a suspicious n You check out a suspicious noise and You check out a suspicious noise and it You pummel it with It’s her father: -10
So — You stay by her side the You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college dri Na Tiffany Tiffany has implants: -8
Sat — You visit You visit her parents and actually make You visit her parents and stare vacantly at th And the televi You spend the afternoon watching college football in yo And you didn’t even go And it’s not really your underwear: -15
Her Birthday
————
You take her You take her out to dinner and it’s not Okay, it is a And it’s all-you-ca It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your fa You giv You give her a gift, and it’s a smal You give her a gift, and it’s not a sma You give her a gift, and it isn You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off You wait until the last minute and buy her a gi With her And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
Thoughtfulness
————–
You forget to pick her up at the Which is in Newark, And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Ou ———- You have For every beer after And miss curfew b You get home You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and c And not wearing Is that a tattoo? -200
A Night Out, Jus —————- You go He’s crude You laugh: -5
You laug She’s n You laugh harder: -25
Driving
——-
You lose the direction You lose the directions and end up g You end up getting lost in a bad p You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up clos She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
Communication
————-
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concern When she wants to talk, you listen, for ove You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
3 beers
There is a man in a bar who has three bottles of beer. He takes
a gulp from one, then the other, and the other over and over
again. The bartender sees this and asks him why he is doing it.
The man replies saying,”My two brothers and I made a pact that
we would drink a beer for each other.”
“Oh” As time went by it seemed to become a ritual. Then one day
the man only had two beers instead of 3. The same bartender
asked him,”why are you only drinking two instead of three?” The
man said,”I quit drinking.”
Rules of the Church
As you may or may not know, the Catholic church used to have a rule that
when a woman went to church on Sundays, she should wear a hat to show
respect to God.
It was during these days that a stripper felt all alone in the world. She
needed some guidance. She knew that she needed God. It just so happened
that there were some churches across the street from her. So she went into
the first one. It was a Baptist church. They wouldn’t even see her.
Neither would the Presbyterian church next door. Feeling more alone,
confused, and distraught than before, she tried her last hope on the
Catholic church down the street.
She saw the priest outside and immediately told him that she would like to
join his church. He said, “I’m sorry, but we can’t allow you.” By this
time she was at the end of her rope. She couldn’t believe so many of God’s
servants could be so rude. She decided to ask the priest one more time. He
again said, “I’m sorry, but we can’t let you in here.” She quickly
retorted, “Well why not? I have a perfect right!” The priest answered
back, “Yes! and an esquisite left, but you CAN’T come in here without a
hat!!”
Washington Monument
Bill Clinton, George Bush and Osama Bin Ladin were riding in an airplane. Bill Clinton said, “Hey, do you dare me to throw this acorn out of the window?”, they said yes and he did. George Bush said, “Hey, do you dare me to throw this apple core out of the window?”, they said yes, and he did. Osama Bin Ladin said, “Hey, do you dare me to throw this bomb out of the window?”, they screamed “No!”, but he did anyway. When the plane landed, Bill Clinton saw a little girl crying and he asked her what was wrong. She said, “An acron fell out of the sky and hit me on the head”. Then, George Bush saw a little boy crying and asked him what was wrong. He said, ” An apple core fell out of the sky and hit me on the head. Osama Bin Ladin saw a little boy laughing really hard and asked him what was he laughing at. The little boy replied, “I just farted and blew up the Washington Monument!”.