Author: admin

COMMITMENT

Posted on by admin

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, “If you’re going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important.”

He then said to his aide, “Let him go.” The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.

The general looked straight at his new people and said “You’re each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT.”

He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the general’s family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, “This is COMMITMENT!”

He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.

“That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?”

There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an AF fighter pilot stepped forward and said, “I will sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”

Did you scratch the car?

Posted on by admin

Somewhere in America this week the following conversation is taking place:

Dad – Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son – What’s up, Dad?

D- There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

S- I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”, that
I can say, truthfully, and that I scratched the car.

D- Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no
one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

S- Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car.
While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the
mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out
to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did
you scratch the car?

S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you
see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I stand by my earlier
statement, that I did not scratch the car.

D- Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox?

S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I
mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the
mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

S- No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my original
statement that I did not scratch the car.

D- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result
of this contact?

S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

S- No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch the car?”.
From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I
did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the
scratching occurred. So my answer of No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car”
was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

D- Son, you are such a slick talker you’re either gonna wind up as a lawyer or
President….

She is a George Bush fan.

Posted on by admin

A first grade teacher in a small town in Texas explains to her class that
she is a George Bush fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they
are Bush fans too. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is,
but wanting to be liked by the teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. A little boy named Mike has not gone along
with the crowd.
The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not a Bush fan” he retorts. “Then,” asks the teacher “what are
you?”
“I’m a proud Al Gore fan!” boasts the little boy. The teacher is a little
perturbed now,
her face slightly red. She asks Mike why he is a Gore fan
“Well, my Dad and Mom are Gore fans, so I’m a Gore fan too” he responds.
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.
“What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot.
What would you be then?” Mike says, “Then I’d be a Bush fan.”

“Hola, cari�o, �c�mo te fue

Posted on by admin

“Hola, cari�o, �c�mo te fue en el golf?”, pregunt� Estela a su esposo Pedro.

“Bien, estaba dando buenos golpes, pero mi vista est� tan mal que no ve�a a donde iba la bola”.

“�Claro, si tienes 75 a�os, qu� esperabas! �Por qu� no llevas a mi hermano Santiago contigo?”

“�Pero si �l tiene 85 y ya no juega golf!”

“Pero su vista sigue perfecta. �l puede ver a donde va la bola y decirte”.

Al d�a siguiente, Pedro estaba jugando y Santiago miraba a su lado. Pedro golpe� con fuerza y la bola sali� disparada un buen tramo.

“�La viste?”, pregunt� Pedro.

“S�”, respondi� Santiago.

“Bueno, �y d�nde cay�?” pregunt� Pedro, esforzando la vista sin alcanzar a ver nada.

“Ya no me acuerdo…”

Fathers wisdom

Posted on by admin

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”

“No! There’s no one called Alf here,” says the person who answered the phone.

His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time.

“No-there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says.

His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation.”

“Then what’s frustration?” asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually.

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis

Rules of the Church

Posted on by admin

As you may or may not know, the Catholic church used to have a rule that
when a woman went to church on Sundays, she should wear a hat to show
respect to God.

It was during these days that a stripper felt all alone in the world. She
needed some guidance. She knew that she needed God. It just so happened
that there were some churches across the street from her. So she went into
the first one. It was a Baptist church. They wouldn’t even see her.
Neither would the Presbyterian church next door. Feeling more alone,
confused, and distraught than before, she tried her last hope on the
Catholic church down the street.

She saw the priest outside and immediately told him that she would like to
join his church. He said, “I’m sorry, but we can’t allow you.” By this
time she was at the end of her rope. She couldn’t believe so many of God’s
servants could be so rude. She decided to ask the priest one more time. He
again said, “I’m sorry, but we can’t let you in here.” She quickly
retorted, “Well why not? I have a perfect right!” The priest answered
back, “Yes! and an esquisite left, but you CAN’T come in here without a
hat!!”

Washington Monument

Posted on by admin

Bill Clinton, George Bush and Osama Bin Ladin were riding in an airplane. Bill Clinton said, “Hey, do you dare me to throw this acorn out of the window?”, they said yes and he did. George Bush said, “Hey, do you dare me to throw this apple core out of the window?”, they said yes, and he did. Osama Bin Ladin said, “Hey, do you dare me to throw this bomb out of the window?”, they screamed “No!”, but he did anyway. When the plane landed, Bill Clinton saw a little girl crying and he asked her what was wrong. She said, “An acron fell out of the sky and hit me on the head”. Then, George Bush saw a little boy crying and asked him what was wrong. He said, ” An apple core fell out of the sky and hit me on the head. Osama Bin Ladin saw a little boy laughing really hard and asked him what was he laughing at. The little boy replied, “I just farted and blew up the Washington Monument!”.

You have got more bumper

Posted on by admin

You have got more bumper stickers than children.our wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.