One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges,
so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, “Hello
ladies!”
Picture perfect
A husband said to his wife, “I will take a photo of your breasts and frame
it.”
The wife said to her husband, “I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge
it.”
The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found
a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes. The bear went
first and he said,� I wish to be the only male bear in this forest.” And he got
his wish.
The rabbit said, “I want a motorcycle helmet.” And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, “I wish to be the only male bear in the United
States, and all the rest to be female.” And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, “I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet.” And he
got his wish.
The bear said, “I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest
were females.” And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit’s turn, and he said, “I wish that bear was gay.”
Author: admin
Yo momma so old…
Yo momma’s so old that when i slapped her back, her tits fell off!!
Lawyer Source
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
“Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”
“Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from!”
Black man, white…
A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and…soon he needs to take a leak. He’s standing at the urinal in the men’s room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, “I was in the men’s room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!
The bartender says, pointing, “You mean those three guys at that table over there?”
“Yes”, the man says, “They’re the ones.”
“Well,” replies the bartender, “those guys aren’t black. They’re coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch.”
Un hombre entra en un
Un hombre entra en un bar y pide un whisky, minutos despu�s de haber tomado otro. El camarero observa que el hombre al mismo tiempo que bebe introduce su mano en el bolsillo y saca algo, lo observa y acto seguido lo vuelve a guardar. Cuando ya no pude aguantar la curiosidad, se acerca al hombre y le pregunta:
“�Podr�a decirme que es lo que saca del bolsillo y contempla con tanta insistencia?”
“S�, es la foto de mi suegra, cuando la empiezo a encontrar agradable es que es hora de dejar de beber.”
The 12 marriages!
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!
Men are Like
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d want to have with dinner.Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough.Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they are coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.Men are like linoleum: Lay them once right and you can walk on them for the next 20 years.
Waiting to be sized
An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her “yes, we do.
They’re right here behind the counter.”
The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.
The clerk asks the old woman, “is there something else I can help you with, Ma’am?”.
The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says “no, thank you, son.
I’m just waiting here to see who buys them”.
Bribery Will Get You
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change….
Pasteurised?
A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying “I need 45 gallons of milk.”He knocked on the door and a beautiful blond answered it.”Is this a mistake?”the milkman asked.”No,” she said, “I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is good for your skin.””Really?”replied the milkman.”Do you want it pasteurised?””No, up to my tits would be fine,” she said
Boxer Dog
Q:What dog goes into a corner everytime a bell rings?
A:A Boxer Dog
Lying Congressmen
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences.
Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. “You’re lying!” he
shouted.
“Of course I’m lying,” the other said, “but hear me out.”