A HAM AND CHEESE SAMWHICH WALKS IN A BAR A GOS UP TO THE BAR TENDER AND ASKS FOR A DRINK AND THE BAR TENDER SAYS SORRY WE DONT SEVIRE FOOD.
Author: admin
Lawyer Source
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
“Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”
“Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from!”
When blondes do puzzles
A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting “28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!”
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks “What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??”
All the blondes say “We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!”
Waiting to be sized
An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her “yes, we do.
They’re right here behind the counter.”
The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.
The clerk asks the old woman, “is there something else I can help you with, Ma’am?”.
The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says “no, thank you, son.
I’m just waiting here to see who buys them”.
Why God Created Eve
Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone.
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve…
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that!”
Undivided attention
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman
Knock KnockWho’s there?Razor!Razor who?Razor hands,
Knock KnockWho’s there?Razor!Razor who?Razor hands, this is a stick up!
Women’s Little Instruction Book
“A Women’s Little Instruction Book”
1. If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re
aiming too high.
2. Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’re sick of
him.
4. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies
about other things too.
5. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her
husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one — they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is
unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can
tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
usually find that he is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of
five men — a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men — strong,
caring, loving — they’d be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent
— but they make great pets.
15. Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per
man.
Un hombre entra en un
Un hombre entra en un bar y pide un whisky, minutos despu�s de haber tomado otro. El camarero observa que el hombre al mismo tiempo que bebe introduce su mano en el bolsillo y saca algo, lo observa y acto seguido lo vuelve a guardar. Cuando ya no pude aguantar la curiosidad, se acerca al hombre y le pregunta:
“�Podr�a decirme que es lo que saca del bolsillo y contempla con tanta insistencia?”
“S�, es la foto de mi suegra, cuando la empiezo a encontrar agradable es que es hora de dejar de beber.”
Santa and the FAA
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check-ride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.”What’s that for?” asked Santa incredulously.The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but as part of the test, you’re gonna lose an engine on take-off.”
Black man, white…
A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and…soon he needs to take a leak. He’s standing at the urinal in the men’s room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, “I was in the men’s room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!
The bartender says, pointing, “You mean those three guys at that table over there?”
“Yes”, the man says, “They’re the ones.”
“Well,” replies the bartender, “those guys aren’t black. They’re coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch.”
Dilbert Reviews Star Wars: Episode I
Hello, readers, of course, it is I, Dilbert. The one and only. And I have
a review of a movie for you, which technically isn’t a movie to me, since
I found 6,765 technical errors, and the maximum to qualify as a movie is
6,764.
All right, let’s talk about this “movie.”
It was called SWEP1TPM. I am now speaking in the Engineer code.
The movie wasn’t GAA. I found many TEs. I could easily tell that the SEs
were F. How can anyone like this movie? The plot was OK, but the plot
doesn’t matter in a movie. It’s all about the LATC.
DYUWIS?
I give this M 0 Ss.
(there was a lot more in, but we cut 99.99754% out because it would C your
COM)
Translations:
SEWP1TPM = Star Wars: Episode 1, The Phantom Menace
GAA: Good At All
TE: Technical Error
SE: Special Effect
DYUWIS: Do you understand what I’m saying?
M = Movie
S = Star
C = crash
COM = computer
(original size was = 3.7MB)