Why has phones been stopped in china?
Because there is so many wings and so many wongs,you might wing the wong number
Author: admin
A Weight Problem
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.”I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.”The physician was checking hers eyes and ears.”Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.””Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked.The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”
Blonde and Goldfish
A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ”Now, what do I give them to drink?”
In The Oregonian, a Meier and Frank department…
In The Oregonian, a Meier and Frank department store
advertisement for women’s bras and panties reads:
The perfect gift for that special woman in your life,
or great to keep for yourself.
Social Security
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.”Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks. The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
Thumbtacks
When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, supersize please.”
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “thumbtacks.”
In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Mike Tyson One-Liners
Tyson’s psychologist told Mike to take a year off. He obviously misunderstood.
Good thing he didn’t say two.
Evander after the fight: “Maybe I shouldn’t have told him to ‘Bite Me’.”
Tyson’s favorite football team: the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in
Earie, PA.
They are making a new boxing term for Tyson. Instead of KO, it will be a Van
Gogh. “Evander was Van Gogh-ed in the third.”
Can’t beat um? Eat um.
If Tyson fights Golatta, is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?
In this corner Evander the “Real Meal” Holyfield!
Before the fight, Mike’s trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfield. Oops,
bad advice.
Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world.
The Golden Saloon
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he’s been out jumping new bones.”Where the hell you been all night?” she demands.”At this fantastic new saloon,” he says.”The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.” “Bullshit! There’s no such place!” Guy says, “Sure there is! Joint’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man’s story.”Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.”Yes it is,” bartender answers.”Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?” There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,”Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
Annoying kid
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, “If my dad was a bull and my mum a cow I’d be a little bull.”
The driver starts to get mad at the noisy kid, who continues with “If my dad was an elephant and my mum a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”
The kid goes on with several animals until the driver gets angry and yells at the kid, “What if your dad was a gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”
The kid smiles and says, “I would be a bus driver !”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The Hunter and the Bear
Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.
As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he’d ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bear’s body is gone!
He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there’s a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it’s the bear! “You just tried to kill me, didn’t you?”. Says the bear.”Uh, no. No I didn’t”. The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies.”Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your arms off” “Uh, yeah, yeah I did.” “Alright”, says, the bear, “I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” “What’s that?”, inquires the hunter. “Give me a head-job.” “What??” “On your knees” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.
Well, the hunter’s pissed-off. “Humiliated by a bear!”, he thinks to himself. “I’ll teach that bastard”. He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. “I’ve got you now, bear”, the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.
Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. “You just tried to kill me again, didn’t you?”. Says the bear. “Uh, no. No I didn’t”, lies the hunter. “Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your legs off” “Ok! I did.” “Alright”, says, the bear, “I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” “What’s that?”, inquires the hunter. “Drop your pants and bend over” “No way!” “Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off.” “Alright! I’ll do it, you bastard” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.
“I’ll fucking get the bastard this time”, the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.
Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. “You’re not here for the hunting, are you?”, says the bear.
you’re so ugly
Last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana.
As Little Children
One Sunday a young child was acting up during the 10 o’clock Mass. The parents
did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the
battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the
aisle and carried the boy outside.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to
the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”