While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. ‘Good lord!’ he screamed, ‘one of the engines just blew up!’ Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. ‘Say,’ spoke up an alert passenger, ‘aren’t those parachutes?’ The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, ‘But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?’ ‘There isn’t,’ replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. ‘We’re going to get help.’
Author: admin
Father & Son
Son:”Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?”
Father: “Sure son. What’s the question?”
Son: “What is politics?”
Father: “Well, let’s take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me “Capitalism”. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her “Government”. We take care of your needs, so we’ll call you “The People”. We’ll call the maid “The Working Class”, and your baby brothe we can call “The Future”.
“Do you understand, Son?”
Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it”.
That night, awakened by his baby brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent’s room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. “Dad, now I think I understand what politics is”.
Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”
Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit”.
Job Vs Wife
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
After 20 years a job still sucks.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Blind Shopping
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.” She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, “Thats a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00”.
She says, “Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?” He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck all is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.”
Top Things To Say When Calling A Psychic Hotline
1. Call on a cell phone, from an elevator and ask them if they
know what floor your on.
2. Ask them why they need to ask your name.
3. Get two cell phones (One a friend’s, another yours) and call
under to different names. Curse at them for not noticing you had
a split personality.
4. Tell them you see ghosts, then ask why. Let the conversation
flow then scream loudly and say that you think your dick just
died.
5. Tell them to guess your Grandpa’s name, then make one up that
has a hidden message (Ex. Licking, Bill)
6. When telling them what you think, say, “Well, Batman…(etc)”
7. Tell them your name then repeatedly change it in subtle ways
(I’m Jack, how are you? Well my Grandpa named me Chad.)
8. Blurt out useless information (Did ya notice how the word HOW
is WHO spelled differently?)
9. Ask them if they know how many times you’ve jerked off today.
10. If your a women, how many times you have had an orgasm today.
11. If they guess incorrectly, scream loudly and call them
retarded.
12. If they guess correctly, begin to cry and say god will never
forgive me! If they try to comfort you, threaten them.
13. Ask where they are located, then tell them to open the
package that ticks but cutting the red wire…
14. Ask them if they know if their refrigerator is running.
15. If your a man, go into the bathroom and urinate as
powerfully as you can so they can hear you.
16. If your a woman ask them what is the best day to breast
feed, now that the child cant seem to get enough of it. Then
tell them his 20th birthday is tomorrow.
17. Belch into the receiver then scream and ask them what was
that. If they say it was you, ask who the hell is the psychic
here?
18. Tell them your outside the building in a red van, the one
with the big black box in the passenger seat. Then yell at them
when they say it isn’t there, because they are looking out the
wrong window.
19. Ask if an AK47 kills psychos better, then correct yourself
and say psychics.
20. Fart into the receiver then ask them what they did that for.
Curse loudly then slam the receiver down.
Real knee slapper
head… ha ha ha, leg… ha ha ha, toe, liver, chicken!
the texan
In 1890, a stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a busty lady and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, ‘Lady, I’ll give you ten dollars for a blowjob.’ The Texan looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the greenhorn between the running lights. The lady gasped and said, ‘Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!’ The Texan holstered his gun and said, ‘Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars.’
Choire boys
q; what do priests and acne have in common?
a; theydo not come on your face until you are thirteen!
Goodbye Kiss
It’s Harold’s first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can’t stand it. Burnett asks, “Harold, it’s none of my business, but why’d you kiss her down there?” Harold says, “You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.”
How many bodybuilders
How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in, and the other four to stand around and say, “Come on, dude… Just one more rep! You can do it! Yeah!”
Simple Wisdom
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed. Joseph said, ‘Write that down, Mary; it’s better than Clyde!’
Your so ugly
You are so ugly the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper.