You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if
the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
Author: admin
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
The Beach
There is this man sitting on the beach. A woman comes up to him
and asks “whats that.” The man replies “oh thats just my bird.”
So the woman walks off and the man goes to sleep. The man then
wakes up an hour or two later and he realizes that his groin
hurts. He goes to the docter to ask whats wrong with him and
they dont know. So the man thinks that maybe if he goes back to
the beach he can ask the people around him what happened to him.
As soon as he returns to the beach he catches up to the woman
that asked what *that* was. So he goes and asks her if she knows
what happened. She says “I tried to pet your bird, but it spit
on me. So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and burnt his
nest.”
“Death is every man’s final critic. To die…
“Death is every man’s final critic.
To die well you must live bravely.”
– Edward Abbey
Bloopers – Part 1
Inspired by Kermit Schafer’s book “Blunderful World of Bloopers” are the
amusing and embarassing verbal or technical errors committed by announcers
and news broadcasters when sometimes one’s tang gets all tongueled in
Spoonerisms, Freudian slips and inadvertent double-entendres.
Announcement: The community is invited to a peter pulling contest at St.
Taffy’s Church next Saturday….uh, that shoud be a taffy pulling contest
at St. Peter’s Church.
News flash: Severe weather has hit Atlantic City, New Jersey with high
winds and heavy rain. A sailor was sucked under the boardwalk by a big
Wave.
A DJ flubbed: An now we’ll hear “A Hard Man is Good to Find.”
Announcer: And now the Blonde Bed Breakers are on the air….I mean the
Bond Bread Bakers.
News: During the flood emergency, the mayor has ordered the people living
near the river to ejaculate immediately.
Donley’s Market has young fresh hens ready for the rooster…er…roaster.
Talk show host to guest: Do you find it hard getting up in the morning
since you’re a bachelor?
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,…
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
Good girls and bad
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttonsGood girls wax their floors Bad girls wax their bikini lineGood girls blush during sex scenes in movies Bad girls know they could do it betterGood girls wear white cotton panties Bad girls don’t wear anyGood girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearlsGood girls pack their toothbrush Bad girls pack their diaphragmsGood girls own only one credit card and rarely use it Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use itGood girls wear high heels to work Bad girls wear high heels to bedGood girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance Bad girls think no place is the wrong placeGood girls prefer the missionary position Bad girls do too, but only for startersGood girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed. Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.Good girls say no Bad girls say when, when?
It’s What’s for Dinner
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Bill Clinton finds a magic lamp. He rubs…
Bill Clinton finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie.
The genie gives Bill one wish.
Bill pulls out a map with many red marks on it
and says “I’d like peace in these areas.”
The genie says “You are asking too much of me.
Even I can’t bring peace to all these areas.”
Bill says “Ok. Well just make Chelsea beautiful.”
And the genie says “Let me see that map again.”
Trouble at the local bar…
A guy goes into a bar and says, “Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!” The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.
The guy drinks it fast. “Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.
The guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.
Again, the guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman replies, “Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?”
“I haven’t got any money!”
Blonde Boys
Q: Why did the blonde girl have bruises on her belly button ?
A:Because it turns out blonde boys arent that smart either.
Saddam’s Phone Call to Monica
The FBI recentley overheard a phone call from Saddam Hussein to Monica
Lewinsky: “I told you to blow him away, not to blow him!”