There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he’ll tell him later. So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says, ‘Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.”OK,’ says the guy. He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says, ‘You have one wish.’The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.He tells the barman, ‘Hey, I didn’t want a million ducks.’The barman replies, ‘You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?’
Author: admin
I’ve learned that it takes years to build…
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
blonde,burrnete. red head
one day a blonde burrnette and a red head took a walk though the
woods and they found a track and the blonde said i think they
are
dog tracks the burnette said no they are bear tracks and the red
head
said yall are both wrong they are panther tracks they were still
arguing when the train hit them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Paddy And His Earmuffs
There was once an Irish guy named Paddy who walked down the
street everyday with his best mate Conor. It is quite cold in
Ireland so Paddy like to wear earmuffs to keep his ears warm.
So this day Paddy and Conor were walking down the street and
Paddys earmuffs got taken by this guy walking past and he ran
off. Paddy was really cheesed off but bought another pair of
earmuffs to wear tomorrow. So the next day Paddy wore his
earmuffs and they got taken again so he bought a new pair to
wear the next day and once again they got taken. The next day
Paddy wore grenades on his ears and Conor said “Why have you got
them things on your ears for Paddy?” and Paddys reply was “Well,
when that bastard goes to take me earmuffs today Im gonna blow
his blommin hands off!”
Redneck quickies 2
You might be a redneck if…Your home has more miles on it than your car. Your Christmas tree is still up in February. You’ve ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
How Soon?
A nervous young guy was walking up and down the waiting room at the Maternity hospital,and he looked at a cool, and calm older man, who was reading a magazine.The younger man said,I guess you have been here a few times, Yes, said the older man. The young man said, “how long after the baby is born, can you have sex with the Mother?The older guy said,”It depends if she’s in a public ward or a private ward!!!!
Dog for White House
Why did Hillary Clinton want to get a dog for the White House?
To help chase the pussies away.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Santa Sex Doll
After 10 years of marriage, Sue was becoming more and more frustrated. Her husband Peter worked very long hours and was no longer interested in bonking. Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks, Sue visited a sex shop.”Hello,” said Sue. “Look, I’m very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn’t make love to me. You sell ‘Sex Dolls’ for men – I’m here because I’m interested in buying, well, a Sex Doll. You know … one with a Dick – for me.”The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady – about 25 years old – with a 36 DD bust … And a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for.”Well Miss – or Madam.” He took another breath. “Frankly, we don’t get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room.”Hand on her chin, Sue looked him directly in the eye and smiled. “Don’t just stand there – tell me about them.””Well,” the man replied, “I’m sure you won’t like our first model. It’s called “The Soccer Player”. Don’t get me wrong; It’s very nice. Powerful legs … cute bum – But it does tend to ‘dribble’ a lot.”Sue wasn’t exactly delighted about this. “Well ….No. Not interested in that!” Sue whispered, “What else have you got?””Well, ” came the reply, “We also have the ‘Aussie Cricketer’ Listen, I must me fair with you. This is a great model, big… well huge, in the right places, but … “”Yes !?!” gulped Sue, with eyes like dinner plates.”Once it’s in – It’s almost impossible to get it out. Frankly, we’ve only sold two of these in the last four years””Don’t want that,” said Sue. “You said you have three models. What’s left?””I hesitate to even talk about this,” said the shop assistant. “It’s called ‘The Santa Claus’ Model.””What d’Ya mean, “The Santa Claus’ model?” replied Sue”Well,” answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. “This model only comes once a year and …. when it does – it fills up both your stockings!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Kurt & Conan!Kurt
Knock KnockWho’s there?Kurt & Conan!Kurt & Conan who?Kurt & Conan down down on the last act!
Some see things as they
Some see things as they are and ask ‘why?’; I dream of things that never were and ask ‘why not?'” – George Bernard Shaw
Hillbilly Newlyweds
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn’t know
how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives
proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big
City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child’s book about where babies came
from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank
stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno
movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the
man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.
”Now, do you understand?” he asked.
”I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in
for this?”
Seeding Jealosy
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. “What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively. “Well,” he mused, “I’d say that you’re a lesbian.”