someone calls to the owner of a hardware store.
caller: hey man do u have a 10 feet long pipe.
owner: yes.
caller: then put it into ur ass.
the owner is totally embarassed…
later after few minutes ..
caller: hey man do u have a 10 feet long pipe.
owner: yes.
caller: then put it into ur ass.
the owner in totally embarassed and he decides that next time he will say no.
caller: hey man do u have a 10 feet long pipe.
owner: NO.
caller: i knew. you must have put it into ur ass.
hahahahahahahahahah
Author: admin
Bathroom problems at the bar
This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.
The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right. Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.
A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, “What’s all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.”
The drunk said, “I’m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, “No wonder, you’re sitting on a mop bucket!!
Steven Wright
These are some quotes from the comedian Steven Wright
You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
I like to fill my bath tub up with water, turn on the shower and
pretend like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.
I was driving along and i passed a gas station with 2 signs in
the window: “Help Wanted” and “Self Service”. So I went in and
hired myself.
I got pulled over by a police officer the other day. He said,
“Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” I said,
“Yeah, but I wasn’t gonna be out that long.”
My friend got food poisoning awhile ago and he had to go to the
hospital. I got poisoning today, I don’t know when I’m gonna use
it.
I’m writing a book on my theory that the end of the cold was is
what started global warming.
I bought some land, real cheap, its on somebody else’s property.
During tax season I had a little problem. I had this calculator
with no five. I ran into a friend of mine and i told him this
and he said, wow thats really weird, how long have you had it? I
said I dunno my calender doesn’t have any sevens.
I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don’t know how I got
there.
I was at work and a man came in and asked, “If I melt dry ice
can I swim without getting wet?”
If I were in a vehicle moving at the speed of light and I turn
on my head lights would they do anything?
I can levetate birds but nobody cares.
It’s a good thing for gravity, otherwise when birds died, they’d
just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. All the
live birds would be hiding behind the dead ones.
Stressed
“Doctor, please help me. I’m so stressed,” says the patient. “I keep losing my temper.”
“Tell me about your problem,” says the doctor.
To which the patient replies, “I just did, jackass!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Recent reports of the stain on Monica’s dress
The most recent reports of the stain on Monica’s dress have been released.
This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy.
Some random oneliners
Did you here about the idiot carpenter? He cut a board three times, It was still to short.”Pollution” is when you drown one lawyer in a river. Solution is when you drown all the lawyers in a river.What did the Jewish Americna Princess women consider the perfect husband? A guy who’s rich, anorexic, and impotent. That way she doesn’t have to work, cook, or f*ck.What’s the deal with sex these days? Nobody wants to cuddle. The whores just get out of the car and leave.Why do men take showers instead of baths? Because pissing in the bathtub is just gross.Hey, if we’re not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?Said about a pregnant woman ” Someone poked fun at her, and she took it seriously! “Sign on a porta-john: “We’re number one in the buisiness of number two.”
Poor froggy
A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.
He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.
“Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon.” says the little boy.
“Sonny, I think you’re a little young for that.” replies the madam.
The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam’s hand.
“One lady coming up.” says the madam.
“And I want her to have herpes,” says the little boy.
“Why on earth would you want that?” asked the madam, “and anyway, I don’t have any women like that. All my girls are clean.”
The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.
“One dirty girl, coming up,” she says.
The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, “Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?”
The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, “It’s like this lady… When I get home the babysitter’s going to be there and I’m gonna fuck her and SHE’S going to get the herpes.
Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad’s going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE’S going to get the herpes.
Then when my dad gets home, he’s going to fuck my mom and SHE’S going to get the herpes.
Then about 10 o’clock tomorrow morning, the mailman’s going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE’S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!”
Yo mama so fat…
Yo mama’s so fat, she rolled over four quarters and left a dollar.
Letter from a Redneck
Dear Billy joe Bob,
I’m writting this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We
don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your
home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I’m not
sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes
in and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen it since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father
out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven’t found out what
it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby
looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had
him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they
couldn’t get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt
Tax Deductions
The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.”Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?””It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife.””Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver.”
Sex Education
“Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me.
“One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”
Puns Contest
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.