Author: admin

k9 Unit

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Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.”

George replied, “We don’t have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”

It was a hot day and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth.

Tech Support Questions

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These are actual calls to Tech support help desks
(Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
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Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”
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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
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Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
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Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at thesame time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
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Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

Knock Knock 160

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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Savannah!
Savannah who?
Savannah you going to open this door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Says!
Says who?
Says me, that’s who!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Schachter!
Schachter who?
Schachter Ripper. Feel like cutting up?

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Schatzi!
Schatzi who?
Schatzi way the ball bounces!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Schubert!
Schubert who?
Schubert I can!

Tax Deductions

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The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.”Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?””It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife.””Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver.”

Then there was the psychology professor,…

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Then there was the psychology professor, a Yankee’s Yankee and a
feminist’s feminist, who tells the following story about herself to illustrate
that doctorates don’t necessarily make you smart.

She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in Ohio.
It was about 10 am, and she’d been driving the entire preceding day and night
herself, and she was consequently not in the best of tempers as she searched
for a motel in which to crash.

A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his cruiser,
swaggered up to her driver’s window, bent down, and drawled, “Lookie here,
darlin’,”–uh oh, everybody duck–“Lookie here, darlin’, nobody blows
through Georgia that fast.”

Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: “Sherman did.”

She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding ticket;
he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to Nowheresburg, GA, and
wait at the police station until three in the afternoon for a circuit judge
to arrive so that he could explain to her why it wasn’t the best idea in
the world to be impolite to policemen, who were after all interested only
in creating the safest possible environment for everybody including her,
etc. etc. The lecture went on for about two hours, she says, after which
she was released to drive the fifty miles back to her route and resume her
search for someplace to crash.

Bathroom problems at the bar

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This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.

The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right. Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.

A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, “What’s all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.”

The drunk said, “I’m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, “No wonder, you’re sitting on a mop bucket!!

Running from the cops…

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There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all running from the cops. They find a barber shop, run in, and ask “got any places to hide?” he answers, “i dunno, you can check if you want” The brunette hides in a box, the redhead in a closet, and the blonde in a potato sack. A few minutes later a policeman walks into the shop. He goes to the barber and asks “did you see 3 strange women walk through here?” and he replies “i dunno, but you can check. He walks over to the box, kicks it, and hears “WOOF WOOF!” and he replies “damn dog!” goes to the closet, kicks it…”MEOW MEOW!”…”damn cat”. He by then walks to the potato sack, kicks it, and hears, “POTATO!!!”