These are actual calls to Tech support help desks
(Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
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Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”
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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
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Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
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Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at thesame time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
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Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
Author: admin
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
Sin and Shame
Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Alabama’s Windows XP
Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.
Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders XP
tiperiter………..a word processor
colering book…….a graphics program
addin mershene……calculator
outhouse paper …..notepad
jupe-box ………..CD Player
iner-net…………Microsoft Explorer
pichers………….A graphics viewer
IRS……………..M/S accounting software
IRS2……………..M/S accounting software with hidden files
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Recent reports of the stain on Monica’s dress
The most recent reports of the stain on Monica’s dress have been released.
This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy.
Letter from a Redneck
Dear Billy joe Bob,
I’m writting this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We
don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your
home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I’m not
sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes
in and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen it since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father
out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven’t found out what
it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby
looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had
him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they
couldn’t get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt
Nagging Wife
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, �Where have you been?� �I’ve been to the pub,� slurs the drunk. �Well,� says the cop, �it looks like you’ve had quite a few.� �I did alright,� the drunk says with a smile. �Did you know,� says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, �that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?� �Oh, thank heavens,� sighs the drunk. �For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.�
The careful application of terror
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Road Trip
An American, a German, and a Scotsman are on a road trip together. They have been on the road for several weeks and thus were getting a little itchy for some loving. They come across a sheep caught in a fence with it’s rear end sticking into the air.Says the American, “I wish that sheep was Cindy Crawford.”The German says, “I wish that sheep was Heidi Klum.”The Scotsman say, “Shit, I just wish it was dark.”
Poor froggy
A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.
He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.
“Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon.” says the little boy.
“Sonny, I think you’re a little young for that.” replies the madam.
The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam’s hand.
“One lady coming up.” says the madam.
“And I want her to have herpes,” says the little boy.
“Why on earth would you want that?” asked the madam, “and anyway, I don’t have any women like that. All my girls are clean.”
The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.
“One dirty girl, coming up,” she says.
The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, “Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?”
The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, “It’s like this lady… When I get home the babysitter’s going to be there and I’m gonna fuck her and SHE’S going to get the herpes.
Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad’s going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE’S going to get the herpes.
Then when my dad gets home, he’s going to fuck my mom and SHE’S going to get the herpes.
Then about 10 o’clock tomorrow morning, the mailman’s going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE’S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!”
Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.
Texas Etiquette Tips
“East Texas Driving Tips”
– Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun
is loaded and the deer is in sight.
– When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always gets the right of way.
– Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
– When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
– Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
– Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can
fit in.
– Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
“East Texas Personal Hygiene”
– Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
– If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
– While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
– Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same
goal and save hours. Note: It’s a good idea to keep a bucket of
water handy when using this method.
“East Texas Dating (outside the family)”
– Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first
date.
– Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s
bathroom wall two years ago”.
“East Texas Theater Etiquette”
– Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie had ended.
– Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can’t hear you.
“East Texas Wedding Etiquette”
– Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
– It’s not OK for the groom to bring a date to the wedding.
– A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective
but also a proven fly deterrent.
– For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty
appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
“East Texas Etiquette for All Occasions”
– Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press
charges.
– Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
– Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone’s else’s
car.
– It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church,
– Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, you
should refrain from driving a U-Haul to the funeral home.
– The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.
– Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.