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An elderly man in Phoenix

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing,
forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck
they’re getting divorced,” she shouts�, I�ll take care of this.” She calls
Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced.
Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and
we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and
hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says,
“They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares now what do we tell
them for Christmas.

Cliff Shit

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Once there was an english-man, an Irish-man and a Moari-man. They were all standing on a cliff, when you ran and jumped off it, you say something and thats what you land in. The English-man runs, jumps and says Jewelery! And lands in jewerely, then the Irish-man runs,jumps an d says gold! and sure enough lands in gold, then lastly the Moari-man wants a good ol run up, as he does he stubbs his toe and says “SHIT!” and Hey Hoe What do ya know he lands in a big fat juicy turd!

Written By Liam Northcott, New Zealand age 11

The Cellar

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I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I’m not drunk you shilly sit! �

Quotes from the mind of Mr. Rogers

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1) You know what, I don’t give a rat’s be-hind about whether
you’re my neighbor or not. I STILL HATE YOU.

2) Where’s the exterminator? I’ve got a friggin world of puppets
in my wall, and nobody’s noticed a darn thing.

3) You know what? This neighborhood sucks. I don’t care what my
lines say, this neighborhood still sucks.

4) Yo, costume man! Screw you, and give me a better closet. I AM
SICK OF STUPID SWEATERS AND COATS.

5) Ah, never mind with the exterminator. He ain’t coming. I’m
going in that little hole in the wall to see what kind of hades
those puppets have made in my home.

6) I told the director I don’t like fish. What does he give me?
A huge tank of ’em.

7) Two words: SCREW LOAFERS

8) What’s a guy gotta do to get his mail? The stupid mailman
only comes around every two friggin years.

9) Holy mackeral, those hades-raisers have built a whole darn
puppet castle in my house.

10) That’s it, I’m blowing up the house. Whether I’m gonna be in
it or not depends on what the director says: Go ahead and kill
myself, I kill myself. Don’t kill myself, and I kill myself.

Jealous Husband

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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

Tootbrush Salesman

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Toothbrush Salesman keeps selling everything his Boss gives him, and his boss keeps expecting him to fail. Finally he gives him a truckload full. Guy sells them all in record time.

Boss wants to know how.

Well I go to the airport set up a table and say, “want a chacolate?”

They take a bite and say, God it tastes like shit!”

“You’re right, want to buy a toothbrush?”

Jaimito estaba en el sal�n

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Jaimito estaba en el sal�n de clase con sus compa�eros. Como la profesora no llegaba, todos los alumnos comenzaron a hacer alboroto. Cuando lleg� la profesora vio el desorden que hab�a y comenz� a interrogar a los ni�os.

“Juanita, �Qu� haz hecho t�?”

“Yo dibuj� en la pizarra.”

“Pedrito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� mi pupitre contra el suelo.”

“Jaimito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� serpentina por la ventana.”

“Caramba, aprendan de Jaimito que no es un malcriado como ustedes.”

Pero al pasar unos minutos, tocan la puerta de la clase y entra una ni�a toda golpeada. La profesora le pregunta:

“�Qui�n eres?”

“Yo me llamo Serpentina.”

Iba un �rabe montado en

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Iba un �rabe montado en su camello, cruzando el desierto del Sahara cuando de pronto el camello se para y deja de caminar, el �rabe no sab�a por qu� se hab�a detenido y lo empez� a jalar. En eso se encuentra con otro �rabe y le cuenta su problema.

El otro �rabe le describe una posible soluci�n, el due�o del camello la acepta y empiezan a trabajar.

Hacen dos montones de tierra, un poco separados y altos, suben al camello y el �rabe se coloca debajo de los montones de arenay con dos garrafas llenas de agua le pega al camello en los kiwis y el camello sale corriendo.

El due�o del camello le pregunta al �rabe que como va a alcanzar a su camello, a lo que el �rabe le respondi�:

“S�base a los montones de arena”.