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Bill Bennett Given Control Of Social Security Funds

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A Safe Bet, Bush Reassures Nation

In a bold move to privatize Social Security, President George W. Bush today put all of the program’s funds under the control of former Education Secretary William Bennett, urging Mr. Bennett to “work your magic” on the nation’s nest egg.

Recognizing that many retirees are nervous about the privatization of America’s retirement system, Mr. Bush reassured them today, stating flatly, “Bill Bennett is a safe bet.”

“I have known Bill Bennett for many years,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “This is a man who knows when to hold ’em and knows when to fold ’em.”

A beaming Mr. Bennett stood at Mr. Bush’s side, the former Education Secretary wearing what he later called “my lucky hat.”

He spoke briefly with reporters before boarding a plane for the Venetian casino in Las Vegas, where he said he would begin to implement his “can’t lose” investment plan for Social Security.

But on Capitol Hill, leading Democrats howled in protest over Mr. Bennett’s appointment, arguing that the nation should not place an important program like Social Security in the hands of just one man, especially a controversial figure like Mr. Bennett.

“Why don’t we just bet all our retirees’ money on the daily double while we’re at it,” fumed South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson.

For his part, Mr. Bennett remained tight-lipped about his plans for the nation’s retirement funds, telling reporters, “What happens in Social Security, stays in Social Security.”

Funny Quotes from Famous People

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Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: “I’m cheap!”
-Delta Burke

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle
maintenance.
-Tim Allen

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think
there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think,
“I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
-Jerry Seinfield

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to
start all over again.
-Joan Rivers

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At
the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris.
Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.
-Tim Allen

Mrs. Berkowitz

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Mrs. Berkowitz was bemoaning life in general to her long-suffering husband.

She was extremely worried because their son, Issy, had been to see an eminent
Psychiatrist who had diagnosed him as having an Oedipus complex.

“Oedipus-Schmoedipus!! What does it matter,” answered the husband, “As long as
he loves his Mother.”

Headache man

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A man goes to the doctor complaining of terrible headaches. The doctor examines him and says “I can see your problem,your balls are pushing against your spine, hence the headaches”. The man feels releived the problem is so simple, until the doctor tells him that the only cure his to have his balls chopped off. Reluctantly he agrees, and a few weeks later comes out of hospital feeling very depressed. To cheer himself up he decides to buy himself some new clothes. As he walks into the shop the assistant asks him if he would like some new shoes. The man replies yes and without asking the assistant brings the man the correct size pair off shoes. The man is perplexed by this so the shopkeeper explains that he can gauge his shoe size by experience alone. The assistant then asks the man if he would like a new shirt, and once again brings him a shirt with the right collar size without asking. Amazed; the man is asked if he would like some new underwear, the shop assistant brings him a pair of briefs with a waist size of 32 inches. The man laughs and says, ” Aha I knew I would catch you out, I have been a size 30 inch waist for the past 5 years” The shop keeper replies “No sir that is far too tight, they will push your balls against your spine and give you terrible headaches!”

An elderly man in Phoenix

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing,
forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck
they’re getting divorced,” she shouts�, I�ll take care of this.” She calls
Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced.
Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and
we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and
hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says,
“They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares now what do we tell
them for Christmas.

Tootbrush Salesman

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Toothbrush Salesman keeps selling everything his Boss gives him, and his boss keeps expecting him to fail. Finally he gives him a truckload full. Guy sells them all in record time.

Boss wants to know how.

Well I go to the airport set up a table and say, “want a chacolate?”

They take a bite and say, God it tastes like shit!”

“You’re right, want to buy a toothbrush?”

Jealous Husband

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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

You are Addicted to being online if….

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  • Your service provider calls *you* for tech support
  • Someone at school/work tells you a joke and you say “LOL!”
  • Three words: carpal tunnel syndrome
  • You come home from somewhere and wait for your friends to say “re.”
  • You get a second phone line, just so you can call Domino’s.
  • You raise your hand in school and say “BRB”
  • You begin to say hehehe instead of laughing.
  • You know and regularly use more than 10 different ways to smile in ascii text. 🙂
  • When someone says “What did you say?”, you automatically say “scoll up!”
  • You marry your cybergirl/boyfriend and the two of you sit across the room typing love messages to each other.

Jaimito estaba en el sal�n

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Jaimito estaba en el sal�n de clase con sus compa�eros. Como la profesora no llegaba, todos los alumnos comenzaron a hacer alboroto. Cuando lleg� la profesora vio el desorden que hab�a y comenz� a interrogar a los ni�os.

“Juanita, �Qu� haz hecho t�?”

“Yo dibuj� en la pizarra.”

“Pedrito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� mi pupitre contra el suelo.”

“Jaimito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� serpentina por la ventana.”

“Caramba, aprendan de Jaimito que no es un malcriado como ustedes.”

Pero al pasar unos minutos, tocan la puerta de la clase y entra una ni�a toda golpeada. La profesora le pregunta:

“�Qui�n eres?”

“Yo me llamo Serpentina.”

Cliff Shit

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Once there was an english-man, an Irish-man and a Moari-man. They were all standing on a cliff, when you ran and jumped off it, you say something and thats what you land in. The English-man runs, jumps and says Jewelery! And lands in jewerely, then the Irish-man runs,jumps an d says gold! and sure enough lands in gold, then lastly the Moari-man wants a good ol run up, as he does he stubbs his toe and says “SHIT!” and Hey Hoe What do ya know he lands in a big fat juicy turd!

Written By Liam Northcott, New Zealand age 11