Author: admin

How many manic-depressives does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, let
them them cry in the dark.

There was a rich man driving in his limo when he saw a poor man
at the side of the road eating grass. The man told his driver
to stop so he could get out. The rich man went over to the poor
man and said, “Why are you eating grass?” The man replied,
“Well, I am very poor and have no money to buy food so I eat
grass. My entire family does too.” The rich man said, “Get
your entire family here tomorrow at 3:00 and I will do something
special for you.” The man agreed and left. The next day at
3:00, the rich man went back to the same spot. He found there
the poor man with his family. The man brought them all in the
car and took them home with him. When they got there, the poor
man asked, “I appreciate what you are doing for me, but why are
you doing it?” “Well,” the rich man replied, “you see, the
grass at my hose is extremely tall.”

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. “But why?” asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, “Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I’m pregnant.”

The wife said, “Look, we don’t want to lose you. My husband and I don’t have any children, and we’ll adopt your baby if you will stay.”

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, “I am definitely leaving this time.”

“Don’t tell me you’re pregnant again?” asked the lady of the house.
“No,” she said, “there are just too many kids here to pick up after!”

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, lets get out and get him.”After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

A Safe Bet, Bush Reassures Nation

In a bold move to privatize Social Security, President George W. Bush today put all of the program’s funds under the control of former Education Secretary William Bennett, urging Mr. Bennett to “work your magic” on the nation’s nest egg.

Recognizing that many retirees are nervous about the privatization of America’s retirement system, Mr. Bush reassured them today, stating flatly, “Bill Bennett is a safe bet.”

“I have known Bill Bennett for many years,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “This is a man who knows when to hold ’em and knows when to fold ’em.”

A beaming Mr. Bennett stood at Mr. Bush’s side, the former Education Secretary wearing what he later called “my lucky hat.”

He spoke briefly with reporters before boarding a plane for the Venetian casino in Las Vegas, where he said he would begin to implement his “can’t lose” investment plan for Social Security.

But on Capitol Hill, leading Democrats howled in protest over Mr. Bennett’s appointment, arguing that the nation should not place an important program like Social Security in the hands of just one man, especially a controversial figure like Mr. Bennett.

“Why don’t we just bet all our retirees’ money on the daily double while we’re at it,” fumed South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson.

For his part, Mr. Bennett remained tight-lipped about his plans for the nation’s retirement funds, telling reporters, “What happens in Social Security, stays in Social Security.”

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.”Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really be ticked if it’s not ready on time.”When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.”Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.”You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.Two months later, her husband died.The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!”