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Arthur

Arthur who?

Arthur any better jokes on this site?

A Safe Bet, Bush Reassures Nation

In a bold move to privatize Social Security, President George W. Bush today put all of the program’s funds under the control of former Education Secretary William Bennett, urging Mr. Bennett to “work your magic” on the nation’s nest egg.

Recognizing that many retirees are nervous about the privatization of America’s retirement system, Mr. Bush reassured them today, stating flatly, “Bill Bennett is a safe bet.”

“I have known Bill Bennett for many years,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “This is a man who knows when to hold ’em and knows when to fold ’em.”

A beaming Mr. Bennett stood at Mr. Bush’s side, the former Education Secretary wearing what he later called “my lucky hat.”

He spoke briefly with reporters before boarding a plane for the Venetian casino in Las Vegas, where he said he would begin to implement his “can’t lose” investment plan for Social Security.

But on Capitol Hill, leading Democrats howled in protest over Mr. Bennett’s appointment, arguing that the nation should not place an important program like Social Security in the hands of just one man, especially a controversial figure like Mr. Bennett.

“Why don’t we just bet all our retirees’ money on the daily double while we’re at it,” fumed South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson.

For his part, Mr. Bennett remained tight-lipped about his plans for the nation’s retirement funds, telling reporters, “What happens in Social Security, stays in Social Security.”

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?” “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.” “Jeez…oooh….I…” She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.”Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really be ticked if it’s not ready on time.”When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.”Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.”You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.Two months later, her husband died.The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!”