What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious
George broke a glass or a plate?
Spank his monkey.
Author: admin
New Ears
A lady walks into the Gynecologist office and says, “I have a problem. I have extremely big pussy lips. I’d like to get an operation but don�t tell anyone because I am embarrassed about my problem.”
The doctor agrees and gives her the operation.
The next day while sitting in the recovery room, she gets three roses delivered.
She runs to her doctor and says, “Doctor I thought I told you not to tell anyone. Who sent me these roses?”
The doctor replies, “The first one is from me because I felt sorry about your problem. The second is from the nurse who had the same problem you had. The third one is from the guy upstairs in the burns unit thanking you for his new ears!”
Submitted by Glaci
Editted by Blueindiansquaw
Koala
A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
The Koala eats the sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar.
The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, “Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you’re going!?”
The Koala replies, “Hey, I’m a Koala. Look it up.”
The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala:
The dictionary said “n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend’s Parents
10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend’s Parents The First Time You Meet Them
1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!
5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.
7. Angie is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you’ve got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?
9. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monica’s will be okay too.
10. Can I put my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost…
Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.”, says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
“My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.”, says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.”, taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…
“Will you fuck off, I’m trying to take a shit”!
Grocery List…
- Grocery List (noun)
- A piece of paper you spent half an hour writing, and then forgot to
take with you to the store.
Lawyer at beach
Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.
Lawyer #1 says, “Boy, wouldn’t you like to screw her?”
Lawyer #2 then asks, “Screw her out of what?”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Heart!Heart who?Heart who
Knock KnockWho’s there?Heart!Heart who?Heart who hear you, speak louder!
“the best”
what is the best thing to come out of a dick???? the wrinkles!!!!!!!! what is the difference between dark and hard??? it stays dark all night!!!!!!!!
It looks like plastic.
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”
Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”
The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”
The drunk replied, “Out of my nose!”
Why is there no proof?
Why is there no proof? She swallowed the evidence.
University
Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields
of their cars?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.