The Hypnotic Sermon!

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving
more.

“And just how would I go about doing that?” he asked.

“It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that
the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone
voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a
slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the
collection plate.”

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher
did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every
Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried
his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the
chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud
thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. “Crap!” exclaimed the
pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

You just might be a Redneck if…

You Just Might Be A Redneck If…

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.” You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this!”

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’ You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.

You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.” Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

My Friend, God!

This guy has problems so he goes to a counselor. The counselor askes “What’s wrong?” And the man replies,”God is my friend. Whenever I get up to got to the bathroom he turns the light on, And whenever I go back to bed he turns the light off.” The counselor found this very suspicious so he went to the guy’s wife and tells her what he said. And his wife replied, “That idiot, he won’t stop peeing in the refriderator.

Being faithful?

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering – have you ever cheated on me?”Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…””Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…””Well, all right. Yes, 3 times…””Three? Well, when were they?” he asked. “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?””Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?””Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how our old doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?””I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?””Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?”

Manolo ingresa a las tropas

Manolo ingresa a las tropas especiales del ej�rcito. Todas las pruebas de actitud f�sica las pasa con relativa facilidad pues es un hombre muy fuerte; pero en las tropas especiales tambi�n hacen pruebas de intelecto, cuando llega su turno le pregunta el sargento:

“A ver, Manolo, si quedas separado de la unidad y tienes que valerte por ti solo, �qu� es lo primero que har�as?”

“Pues lo primero que har�a, mi sargento, es buscar agua, pues sin comer puedo aguantar un tiempo, pero de sed se puede morir uno muy r�pido. As� que buscar�a un r�o o una laguna para proveerme de agua”.

“�Y la tomas as� o la purificas?”

“Bueno, pues la hiervo primero”.

“Muy bien, Manolo. A ver, �a cu�ntos grados hierve el agua?”

“Pues a 90 grados, sargento”.

“Pues no, Manolo, revisa el manual y ver�s que el agua hierve a 100 grados”.

Apenado, Manolo revisa el manual y dice para si:

“�Qu� bruto soy, el sargento tiene raz�n, lo que hierve a 90 grados es el �ngulo recto!”